Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Jesus, My Crossbeam

“You!” I tease, poke him in the shoulder, him broad like a beam that carries half my world." 
An innocent quote from my friend, Ann, but it pierces deep. She names my pain; Rob no longer carries half of my world. Financial decisions, daily musings, absence of children  no longer shared with my constant companion. "Broad like a beam..."  I could always count on Rob to support the roof that often came crashing down. All the daily pressures, scary unknowns, persistent hurts shared.  But memories of a competent, supportive husband do not pay bills or make investments. Nor do they wipe away tears or pick a wife off the floor. 
Then I'm flooded with Truth...Jesus... a Savior who once carried a beam to Golgotha, a Friend who promises to bear my crumbling world.  No sharing required. He is the Lifter of my head and heart, my Wisdom for all decisions.  Not half of my burden....All of it!
Sadly though, I waffle. Ready to exchange Jesus and his light load for another opportunity to lug the daily struggles with Rob. Perhaps leaning on a warm-blooded shoulder, hearing an audible voice and looking into the hazel eyes of a living, breathing husband is just easier than Faith in the One hoped for, yet unseen.
Oh Jesus, help me! Help me not to settle for safe and what was once so beautiful, but to embrace You, my future, my Crossbeam who holds the total weight of my heavy heart.

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