Even after seven years, I occasionally find myself center in one or more of these paragraphs, especially during  the aloneness of a pandemic. I know that some of you who visit here are new to this journey, it was tragically thrusted upon you, so I share Alisha’s thoughts. A word of encouragement, though: as life weaves in and out, you’ll reread this, thinking, “I don’t identify with this painful definition quite as much anymore and when I land back here, it’s not for long.  “ Robin

“Widowhood is more than missing your spouse’s presence. It is adjusting to an alternate life. It is growing around a permanent amputation.

Widowhood is going to bed for the thousandth time, and still, the loneliness doesn’t feel normal. The empty bed a constant reminder. The night no longer brings intimacy and comfort, but the loudness of silence and the void of connection.

Widowhood is walking around the same house you have lived in for years and it no longer feeling like home. Because “home” incorporated a person. And they’re not there. Homesickness fills your heart and the knowledge that it will never return haunts you.

Widowhood is seeing all your dreams and plans you shared as a couple crumble around you. The painful process of searching for new dreams that include only you amount to climbing Mount Everest. And every small victory of creating new dreams for yourself includes a new shade of grief that their death propelled you to this path.

Widowhood is second guessing everything you thought you knew about yourself. Your life had molded together with another’s and without them you have to relearn all your likes, hobbies, fears, goals. The renaissance of a new person makes you proud and heartbroken simultaneously.

Widowhood is being a stranger in your own life. The unnerving feeling of watching yourself from outside your body, going through the motions of what was your life, but being detached from all of it. You don’t recognize yourself. Your previous life feels but a vapor long gone, like a mist of a dream you begin to wonder if it happened at all.

Widowhood is the irony of knowing if that one person was here to be your support, you would have the strength to grieve that one person. The thought twists and confuses you. If only they were here to hold you and talk to you, you’d have the tenacity to tackle this unwanted life. To tackle the arduous task of moving on without them.

Widowhood is missing the one person who could truly understand what is in your heart to share. The funny joke, the embarrassing incident, the fear compelling you or the frustration tempting you. To anyone else, you would have to explain, and that is too much effort, so you keep it to yourself. And the loneliness grows inside you.

Widowhood is struggling with identity. Who are you if not their spouse? What do you want to do if not the things you planned together? What brand do you want to buy if not the one you two shared for all those years? What is your purpose if the job of investing into your marriage is taken away? Who is my closest companion when my other half isn’t here?

Widowhood is feeling restless because you lost your home, identity, partner, lover, friend, playmate, travel companion, co-parent, security, and life. And you are drifting with an unknown destination.

Widowhood is living in a constant state of missing the most intimate relationship. No hand to hold. No body next to you. No partner to share your burden.

Widowhood is being alone in a crowd of people. Feeling sad even while you’re happy. Feeling guilty while you live. It is looking back while moving forward. It is being hungry but nothing sounding good. It is every special event turning bittersweet.

Yes. It is much more than simply missing their presence. It is becoming a new person, whether you want to or not. It is fighting every emotion mankind can feel at the very same moment and trying to function in life at the same time.

Widowhood is frailty. Widowhood is strength. Widowhood is darkness. Widowhood is rebirth.

Widowhood…..

is life changing."

Alisha Bozarth

Goodness, I have wiped away tears all day long. 50 years...a half of a century. Where did the time go?

I remember our first date on January 25, 1971 as if it was yesterday. I had flirted and schemed for an entire fall semester, trying to get that senior boy to notice me. Unfortunately, he already had a girlfriend from our same yearbook staff. We shared a crowded pie-shape room, full of manual typewriters and wishful glances. Shame on me!

He was so unlike the other two guys I dated for a short while; Rob was focused and intelligent. It took a while, but we became friends and that never changed. Chats turned from sports and school activities to deep conversations about following Christ. My relationship with Jesus was young, but earnest; his, solid and mature. 

There were many bumps to navigate through the decades to follow, like most relationships. Honestly, it had to be by the sheer Grace of God that we made it through those first years and then again, through the teenage years of our kids. 

The path smoothed though; we had grown up. I am so grateful for those years traveling back-and-forth from Houston to DC,  the Florida vacations, suppers at Collina’s and lazy weekends watching our favorite teams. I loved watching Rob play with his three grandchildren probably more than anything.

 I just wish there had been more time.  

Most of my life I walked side by side with my earthly best friend. Not all these tears are sad, some are the sweetest.

2021 Word

It’s that time of year when I retreat to the beach for a couple of days of prayer and reflection. I began this many years ago on the advice of Rick Warren. Divert Daily, Withdraw Weekly, Abandon Annually. During this time of complete disconnect, I most always decide on a guiding word for the months ahead. That word helps frame my Bible study for the year and hopefully, my personal growth. Last year’s word was Grace and boy, have I learned a lot about giving and receiving it. 

There is no beach retreat or word this year. Oh, I will probably capture a few hours there, but definitely not a stay, considering the rising Covid numbers and no vaccine appointment. 

There is a focus, though. Not a word, but a Person: Jesus.  The loneliness, anxiety, and chaos are closing in and I desperately need Jesus. He is all I need. During December, I read the Gospel of Luke, one chapter per day and now, I’ll return, studying a chapter weekly. I want to walk with Him via his own life-giving words. I’m hoping for a fresh understanding of his humanity, character and authority.  

Anna, the prophetess, is introduced in the second chapter of Luke. She, too, lost her husband at a young age and devoted the rest of her life to worshiping God. She waited decades in anticipation of the arrival of Israel’s Yeshua Hamashiach...and eventually, she laid eyes on her infant Rescuer! She did not miss her Messiah.

Waiting and worshiping...I want an ‘Anna perspective’ this year...eternity-minded...never leaving his Presence.

I’m looking forward to writing his beloved Name in the sand in 2021, but more so, to letting Jesus etch his Name on my heart.   JESUS, the only name under Heaven by which we must be saved.