June’s almost over and I’ve glanced at this encouragement  in my hallway way too many times this month. And buried my head in the Truth pages, repeatedly  reminding myself I’m not alone; He lifts my head, my wings. 
But LORD, this is hard stuff to navigate. I’ve searched healthcare plans, home improvements, technology, finances. Sometimes, I just want to hand it off, glance over for a reassuring nod, make a decision together. I want another breathing human being to read the instructions alongside me or simply huff in unison when there are no clearcut steps. Learning curves bend easier when traveling in pairs. 
Yet, lessons have been learned: it’s okay for me to say no to more responsibility because solo decision-making takes energy and time, I don’t need to beat myself for not helping others every time I see a need (survival is my full-time mission) and sometimes, I just have to climb out on the shaky, scary limb. I think that’s called, Trust. 

I awake, knowing 6 years ago to this very day our family's lives changed forever. The surgeon summons me to the post-op conference room to deliver a death sentence. Cancer is everywhere and this seasoned veteran is sure it's pancreatic. The next few minutes spin out of control. Calls to our boys... "I need you here immediately." And then I must tell my anesthesia-fogged husband the news. No doctor will tell my beloved that he must get his affairs in order; I can't take away hope just yet. Of course, I know that will come soon enough.
 I shall never forget the tear forming in the corner of his eye and my frozen sons. "Oh, God, give me your strength to make those final calls?  My daughter has a two-week old. " How, God? Why, God? "  I call my son-in-law; I think I might vomit.  
 What does one do on an anniversary day like this? I clean the garage while there is a short respite from the heat; I scrub until my hands hurt almost as much as my remembering heart. I look up a lot, not asking why anymore, but with a tear forming in the corner of my eye.

 Recently, I’ve had to talk back to myself... a lot!
I think the anticipation of turning 65, retirement age, without my partner has crushed me. All of our dreams, our plans sit in a pile, threatening to steal the joy that I’ve so pleaded for during my bouts of loneliness and depression.
 Today, I remind myself: my most expensive real estate is my mind. I can’t let anything or anyone stay there for free and I must capture destructive thoughts the moment they check-in and leave them with Christ. 
Presently, I’m wrestling with the idea of not holding on to those who let go of me a long time ago...that includes my late husband. Releasing him proves the hardest as there was no obvious toxicity in our relationship. However, the truth remains: he did let me go as he prepared to depart from this life and begin beyond. 
My retirement plans (emphasis on mine) included total immersion into the world of grandkids! Close proximity, much spoiling and teaching, relief for tired parents...that was not anyone else’s plan. I can’t find fault for we, too, chose the same with our own parents. It’s just harder on this end, isn’t it? And eternity together seems a long way off. What looms heaviest is they might forget my love for them. How will I leave a legacy they can touch?  
So much for rambling in the dark...in a strange manner, I welcome this painful season; I’m confident  this constant renewal of my mind is vital to an ongoing, growing walk with my Lord.