Shame

All my life, I've wrestled with shame! It has been a battle I've revisited many times. I used to confuse it with guilt.  Guilt can be a constructive thing as it demands a response: hopefully, a time of repentance and an opportunity to rebuild  intimacy with my Creator. Shame, on the other hand, always tears down. Shame whispers, "You are disgusting, undesirable, dirty. You're not good enough to deserve God's love. You could never be useful to a perfect God."  The author of lies knows I yearn for my Father's approval and acceptance; he tries his best to fill me with feelings of humiliation and disgrace over everything from stupid mistakes to wrongs completely out of my control.
I once had a boss who from the very start saw me as a personal threat and successfully pushed me out of a position I dearly loved. For several years, I  punished myself over and over for my failure to engage her favor. Earlier in life, I suffered at the hands of selfish people, but instead of realizing they were the source of hurt, I've limped along believing I could have prevented their wrongdoing.  Oh, I've messed up many a time, but instead of owning the mistakes and offering them to my God who forgives and forgets, I've held vigil over those painful decisions, slowly smothering in debilitating shame.

I was recently reminded that I don't have to bow down to satan's destructive lies, but I do have to make a choice to believe my Father and his Word. Psalm 3:3 speaks truth to me: "But you, O LORD, are a shield around me; you are my glory, the one who holds my head high."   God is the lifter of my head. He brings my eyes to His and when they meet, I'm confident of his great love. Shame loses its painful grip.

Today, I miss my mom! I wish I had read this letter a long time ago and had a second chance to spend a day with her.

“My dear girl, the day you see I’m getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I’m going through. If when we talk, I repeat the same thing a thousand times, don’t interrupt to say: “You said the same thing a minute ago.” Just listen, please. Try to remember the times when you were little and I would read the same story night after night until you would fall asleep. When I don’t want to take a bath, don’t be mad and don’t embarrass me. Remember when I had to run after you making excuses and trying to get you to take a shower when you were just a girl? When you see how ignorant I am when it comes to new technology, give me the time to learn and don’t look at me that way. Remember, honey, I patiently taught you how to do many things like eating appropriately, getting dressed, combing your hair, and dealing with life’s issues every day. The day you see I’m getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I’m going through. If I occasionally lose track of what we’re talking about, give me the time to remember, and if I can’t, don’t be nervous, impatient, or arrogant. Just know in your heart that the most important thing for me is to be with you. And when my old, tired legs don’t let me move as quickly as before, give me your hand the same way that I offered mine to you when you first walked. When those days come, don’t feel sad—just be with me, and understand me while I get to the end of my life with love. I’ll cherish and thank you for the gift of time and joy we shared. With a big smile and the huge love I have always had for you, I just want to say, I love you, my darling daughter.”

Look who's almost 4 months!

"The Proof Of Your Love"

If I sing but don't have love
I waste my breath with every song
I bring an empty voice, a hollow noise
If I speak with a silver tongue
Convince a crowd but don't have love
I leave a bitter taste with every word I say

So let my life be the proof,
The proof of Your love
Let my love look like You and what You're made of
How You lived, how You died
Love is sacrifice
So let my life be the proof,
The proof of Your love

If I give 
To a needy soul but don't have love then who is poor?
It seems all the poverty is found in me

So let my life be the proof,
The proof of Your love
Let my love look like You and what You're made of
How You lived, how You died
Love is sacrifice
Oh, let my life be the proof,
The proof of Your love

When it's all said and done
When we sing our final song
Only love remains
Only love remains

Let my life be the proof,
The proof of Your love
Let my love look like You and what You're made of
How You lived, how You died
Love is sacrifice
So let my life be the proof,
The proof of Your love.

For King and Country

When the journey's end looks a lot nearer, love is all that matters.  

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. 1Peter 4:8