First day of school... I love seeing all of my friends' photos of their kids sporting their new clothes and backpacks. I can just imagine all of the excitement around the dinner table as families share their first day experiences. I was tempted to drive to Target just to watch families doing extra shopping for supplies.
I love Fall: football games, new Sunday School classes, and the beginning of Women's Bible Study, but this year there will be none of these for us. Our only outing will be to MD Anderson. I can hardly stand this, yet I am grateful to even wake up one more day next to my Rob. Every task fades into the next one...shots, calories, pills, naps....that is our day while the world passes by.

Robin--I'm afraid this will have to serve as your card this year.  Thank you for 37 lovely years we've had together. I love you always and forever, Rob



When I'm with you, it doesn't matter where we are, or what we're doing
I'm with you, that's all that matters.
Time passes much too quickly when we're together laughing,
I wish I could sing it to you.

It's only the beginning of what I want to feel forever...

My dearest Rob,
On the eve of our 37th wedding anniversary, my heart is full of gratitude. You are everything I could  ever ask for in a husband: my provider, leader, counselor, lover, best friend. Even at age seventeen, I saw something special about you and knew my life would be forever changed if I walked this journey with you. And now...You are my hero!  You have spent your entire adult life working hard in order to make me and the kids comfortable; we have lacked for nothing.  You have never had an opportunity to chase new dreams or think about your own needs. You are  always putting others first!  Our plan to walk out this earthly life together seems to have taken an ugly detour, but you have chosen to accept it with dignity, grace and courage.  You continue to teach me in the darkest moments. I continue to walk out those vows, in sickness and in health, with great joy.
 You will always be my forever love!
Robin

"You look beautiful today." "Your blouses have been fitting well."  " I was just lying here looking at your hair. It's beautiful!" 

Music to my ears... Sweet joy for my aching soul...

To go from constant hugs and sweet kisses to barely a word or touch in a few short days... devastating. 

 But the Lord has heard me and helped Rob voice his heart towards me. 

These are engraved on my heart. 

Just as our brilliant doctor thought, the medications in the clinical trial were not helping enough. Changes in the pancreas have not occurred (that's considered success by the trial's protocol.) but liver tumors and abdominal lymph nodes continue to grow. So this weekend Rob begins another combination of conventional drugs. Disappointed? Yes! Confused about God's plan? Yes! But confident in Proverbs 3:5-6. Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. I had just read a statement by Sarah Young early Wednesday morning that helped prepare us for our news. " Understanding will never bring you Peace!" Yesterday I kept pounding the heavens with "But why would you have brought us down here just to end up with the suggested treatment of 6 weeks ago? Why did you open doors to get us quickly in this promising trial?" and..."Why did you have us waste precious weeks?" The bottom line... our family doesn't have the answers to these questions and truthfully, we aren't suppose to. Trust in Me, your all-knowing, GOOD Father, not yourself. You are not in control of MY PLAN! I racked my medical and emotional brain all day yesterday and it did NOT bring me Peace. God showing his Presence through his Word and acts of love and kindness throughout the last 24 hours has brought that Peace. Nothing fleeting about that! We've touched and been touched this past month. Our hard working Dr. Abbruzzese really cares about Rob. God fills the halls of MD Anderson with His Presence; we have seen Him at work. Enough understanding for us.. I Corinthians 15:58 sums up what we need to know. Throw yourselves into the work of the Master, confident that nothing you do for him is a waste of time or effort.

I was looking back at some photos and ran across the is hysterical video Lindsay made Rob for his 59th birthday. He's a good sport!

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

Sometimes God answers with tiny miracles...Last night I recorded the last 10 calories on Rob's food log. 10 calories! And the final tally was a mere 250 calories.  250 calories after a full day of gently coaxing and racking my brain for something to offer that was small, full of calories and healthy?  The verdict: Rob would not die from the cancer, but from starvation. I confess I finally lost it; tears dripping, I announced that startling fact to him, left the the room and let the flood gates open. Can't do this, God. This is too painful! Still pleading with Him, I drifted off to sleep.
This morning, knowing the wrestling match awaited, I shuffled into
the den. Rob sat bent over a bottle of Boost. 350 calories of life-sustaining, high protein, rich chocolate liquid! and a faint smile. 
Yes, God always answers and sometimes with tiny miracles.

                                                                                                           

I can't stand watching Rob suffer like this. I sit by helpless and angry. I can handle the nausea, the fatigue, but the pain is too much. When do we stop this? I adore this man and would trade places with him in a second. God, what are you teaching us? I can't make any sense of this. I plead for a miracle!

One night I'm losing hope and the next I'm counting our blessings. What a roller coaster we are riding.  As I turn in for the night, in great anticipation of what tomorrow's first solo treatment with the experimental antibody will bring, I am very cognizant that we are surrounded by more encouragers than any one couple deserves. Old friends, new friends, faithful family all praying for healing. How can we be so blessed? I just laughed with an old friend about how we used to have  to use that dinosaur called the kitchen wall phone to communicate our needs and now we have Face Book and sites like Caringbridge that offer speedy messages with just a few key strokes. We have a medical team that is the best in the world and we only have to drive across town to seek their expertise. Again, how can one couple be so incredibly blessed? Our God is good, He is faithful, He is our Hope!