Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Rob is stuck! He must continue treatment in order to keep the pain at bay, but the chemo makes his life hardly worth living. I hate this beast. I hate what it is doing to his body, his spirit, his future. 

Sunday, July 28, 2013

The world is passing us by. We sit and we watch and we wait.
It is crazy to believe that Rob's stage IV pancreatic cancer can be cured. I am a medical professional. I have a scientific mind, but I have a God who defies human understanding. I believe He can heal Rob. Whether He chooses to or not, I will not waver from believing that He is Power, He is Healer, He is Able!
Rick Warren writes 
Everything Is Possible
by Rick Warren
“Everything is possible for one who believes.” (Mark 9:23 NIV)                                                   
"To live like Jesus, you have to live with possibility.
This is the faith factor of living: You see the possibilities in life because you have faith. The Bible says, “The just shall live by faith,” “Without faith it is impossible to please God,” “Whatever is not of faith is sin,” “According to your faith it will be done unto you.” Mark 9:23 says, “Everything is possible for one who believes” (NIV).
I believe that followers of Jesus should be the most innovative and creative people on the planet because we serve a God who says all things are possible. The most narrow-minded people I know are people who don’t believe in God. Why? Because their possibilities are limited by their unbelief. When you put your faith in God, it expands your horizon. You can be much more creative and innovative. 
You know what the greatest sin is? It’s not the one you’re thinking of. The greatest sin is unbelief — not trusting the God who made you. He made everything on the planet. He made everything in the universe. Everything you have, you owe to him. It all came from God. You wouldn’t have anything, not even your life if it weren’t for him. Why would you not trust him?
When you have unbelief, it limits your life.
The more you believe and trust God, the more limitless your possibilities become for your family, your career — for your life!
How would it make you feel if God showed you what you could have accomplished in life if you had just believed him a little bit more?"

It's 6 months into the year; my New Year's post rings true.
Immeasurably more...Do I believe?

Saturday, July 20, 2013

This fight against the Beast is a lonely one. I can't share Rob's pain or his search for what is ahead. I can't expect others to stop their own living to stand guard with us through every stomach ache, every infusion, every fear. The night watch is the loneliest...waiting for the 3:30 meds; watching a wracked husband finally drift off into peaceful sleep. A friend tells me loneliness is a gift from God, a time to enter the intimate space with the relationship Maker.  My head and heart agree, but I'm too exhausted to speak with or to cry to the One who goes before me and secures the rear. My Father and I, we sit. I stare into the darkness and He watches over Rob and me. And He whispers that Jesus is the One who looks upon with great compassion. He quietly reminds me that there are His faithful few pleading in these early hours. 

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

I believe...I believe...I believe...Oh, help me with this disbelief! The fighting within...I know my God is able, but logic vies for my heart's attention. There is no resting in this march called Trust.

Friday, July 12, 2013

We jumped! We left the safety of a commercial treatment plan that promised a few more months and dove head first into the murky waters of experimental drugs. Faith in the mixture of toxins and antibodies? Not a chance. Complete dependence on the greatness of a GOD who can pulverize cancer cells. Can we trust Him to heal without man-made medicine? Of course, but we have seen Him move mountains to get us to the right doctor, schedule impossible tests in His time, and flood us with complete peace concerning this clinical trial that could save the next generation of pancreatic patients. 
Mark Batterson writes "If you don't take a risk; you forfeit a miracle." Perhaps...  Moses and Noah, looking foolish, risked their reputations, but they trusted God, even when the higher plan didn't make sense. Peter never would have become a "water-walker" had he stayed in the hull of the boat. We must admit that safety was tempting and uncharted waters seem a bit crazy, but we are trusting God's plan instead of the grim statistics of survival from this beast. Conventional treatment aligns with the odds; divine healing has no assigned number. 
So we offer thanks to our Maker, not just our gift Giver, and we ask, we expect, and ultimately, we accept His plan. We have dived into a sea of belief.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

The psalmist cries, "My soul is in deep anguish. How long, LORD, how long? How can a routine test hold up infusing my husband with  life-giving hope? This roller coaster wait shakes me to the core, but I must hold on to God's perfectly timed plan! The cry of my heart is to see You work, Oh LORD!

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Every year we cap off our 4th of July holiday with a walk to our neighborhood bayou to watch Lakeside Country Club's fireworks display. We spread out a blanket, lather ourselves with bug repellent and wait for the lights in the sky. Would it happen this year with Rob's pain and fatigue? If so, would it be the last time we would hold hands under the stars on the fourth?   Thankfully, He agreed to make the trip with Bobby, Denise, Jim and me and we enjoyed the best display we have ever seen from the club.
 Just before the finale, a single heart-shaped firework engraved the night sky and my hurting heart.  A God-whisper for me? "No matter what, I love you, my child. I won't leave or forsake you."  A precious gift from God.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

 We've settled into the quiet wait for our MD Anderson appointment. Fatigue has set in as well as deep sadness. The words of encouragement that have sustained my emotional energy are waning. In a week's time, we've lost our busy lives. No more committee work, writing assignments, lengthy meetings, running errands. Our daily focus centers around pill and shot schedules, timely phone calls from doctors,  and finding food that is kind to Rob's stomach. 
I sit and stare a lot. While Rob naps, I memorize, trying not forget a single detail, a single curve. Pain makes him withdraw and I helplessly search for ways to comfort. 
Prayer is less crying and more listening now. 

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Waiting to hear where else the ugly beast has raised its head
Waiting to be invited into the world of white coats
Waiting for Rob to wake up so we can store up one more precious conversation
Waiting for God to work out His perfect will...