Relapse

CS Lewis

Out of the wound we pluck

The shrapnel. Thorns we squeeze

Out of the hand. Even poison forth we suck,

And after pain have ease.

But images that grow

Within the soul have life

Like cancer and, often cut, live on below

The deepest of the knife,

Waiting their time to shoot

At some defenceless hour

Their poison, unimpaired, at the heart’s root,

And, like a golden shower,

Unanswerably sweet,

Bright with returning guilt,

Fatally in a moment’s time defeat

Our brazen towers long-built;

And all our former pain

And all our surgeon’s care

Is lost, and all the unbearable (in vain

Borne once) is still to bear.

Because of Harvey...many of us are still plucking out shrapnel.  The sting of reliving the waters rise, the escape, the barricade of debris, and the unforgettable stench of sewage-filled water on this first anniversary of the storm remains.

Wounds are ripped wide open with one look at our bank accounts and the moments we remember, "Oh, I don't have that anymore."

Trauma 

Remembers

Flashbacks

A cry of something that needs to come out and does

so in the only way it knows how.

Triggers

Anything can nudge an emotion and bring it to the surface.

Numbness

Pushing the monster far down until it eventually raises its ugly head

But Harvey doesn't have the last word...We do! Today we remember but eventually we too will rise from the devastation. 

It will take time and guts, but through conversation, writing, bringing it before our God in an honest way, we can find a greater appreciation for life, new purpose, values and strength and a deeper faith.* We don't have to remain a flood victim.

Because of Harvey...We are survivors and we remember that the LORD, our God brought us out of there by a mighty hand and by an outstretched arm. Deut. 5:15

*Thanks  to H. Norman Wright, an amazing grief and trauma counselor and author, for his sensitivity on trauma. His thoughts are stuck in my mind, so I'm sure much of this would be found in his extensive writings. I must give him credit.

My six prayer journals have grown to eight! I have two "adopted" grand boys that discovered my new colorful books and I asked if they would like me to fill ones with prayers for them. Big smiles and nods...
In my last post, I mentioned a pastor friend referring to loneliness as a gift. One week before Rob's cancer diagnosis, we attended our church's annual youth camp as sponsors. We always looked forward to Scot Pollok's messages. I don't think the video of that Wednesday night's sermon made it online, but it's embedded in my memory.  On that hot summer night, I clearly knew Scot's [God's] powerful message was directed at me. That's only happened a few times in my life and it would be affirmed in the hard days ahead. 
As I was unpacking storm boxes yesterday, a folded note with one of the quotes from that sermon, slipped out of a rescued book. No accident, I believe!

Loneliness is a gift because it gives you a chance to become very intimate with God.

When is the last time I embraced loneliness as an invitation for intimacy with my LORD?   Instead of struggling with my present loneliness, I wish to  cherish this uninterrupted time with Him. 

Lingering with God always spills over to others; like a seed germinating in the dark soil, intimacy with the Master eventually produces. 

My prayer: God grow something useful from the hours alone with You. May I become crazy jealous for our time together...

Loneliness...it is an insidious creature.

I'm not sure which has been the most debilitating, anxiety or loneliness. Moving back into the house has increased both; the battle continues.

A preacher friend once said, "Loneliness is a gift." 

I'm determined to discover the Gift Giver no matter how painful the journey.

Like many of my hard seasons, I'm risking exposure in this search; many walk the same path and together we might find goodness and treasure.

What if we trade loneliness for aloneness with the One and Only? 

I've been asking for a word of guidance, wisdom.

Not an antidote for loneliness, but a hope that my pastor friend is right...

Several days in, I already see opportunity in the lonely hours...PRAYER.

My pastor is preaching his heart out about intimacy with God through prayer. I'm joining him in this discipline.

I've started with six prayer journals, one for each grandchild. In those quiet hours, I'm devoting myself to praying for each one of my precious charges, building a spiritual trust fund for this future generation.

I'm confident the gifts will continue.