Saturday, April 28, 2018

Recently I’ve been posting a link to my entries on FB, but I’ve been uncomfortable with that. I never want someone to think I’m promoting myself. My writing has always been honest and sometimes very  raw. I love that God has used my story to speak to many of you around the world. For now I’m suspending my posts and asking God if He can still use my thoughts. Much love and prayers!

Friday, April 27, 2018

8 months later...

Don't push that publish button! Good thing I reconsidered, because my last uncensored post would have brought a mighty rescue team to my doorstep. 
My desperation over relentless Harvey decisions has caught up with me once again, but this time I can't dismiss it. I'm staring at depression and the soul bullies are madly at work; what has unleashed them?
Two giants: comparison and loneliness.
My builders are amazing! Their craftsmanship is impeccable, they build great things. But they are also sensitive to a woman trying to restore on a fixed income. They've saved my countertops, mended tile, found fixtures that haven't robbed my bank account. They've worked miracles and I will move into a beautiful, updated home that's perfect for the neighborhood and most importantly, me. So why do I find myself comparing my rebuild to the ones I see on social media? The gorgeous chandeliers, staircases, high end appliances... It's simple; I've invited in the comparison monster. You might say that's just human nature, I say it's a debilitating danger.  I almost lost sight of the original goal: restoration. (and yet, sometimes something extraordinary and new and better springs forth in putting the broken back together.)
 Thankfully, I have a great plan of action to fight this nasty bully: gratitude, name each provision one by one. It always licks the enemies.
However, I'm clueless how to fight goliath loneliness.
The isolation of living in an efficiency for eight months has taken its toll. And if I might be terribly honest, I feel like I've also lost my family in the storm. But most painful, the silence of Rob's absence is deafening. If you've walked the loss of the one who completes you, you will understand that no activity or friend ever quenches the thirst for your lost partner. We attempt to fill the void, but it's temporary.  Of course, I understand that only God truly satisfies, but He also recognizes our need for human intimacy. The trauma of Harvey has increased my need for someone to help share the highs and lows of this uninvited chapter.  So have the endless decisions!
So those soul bullies keep chipping away. What's wrong with you? Why can't you hang on to the ones you most love? Why are you so weak and indecisive? Where's your faith?  As my father in law used to quip about thoughts, "Your bees are swarming." So they are, Dad, and sometimes they sting. 
I don't have my routine wrap up today.  No angle, no wit. I just know I must walk this journey of loneliness for which I have so little understanding. I hate to camp here long, but I'll stay and listen and learn so it can be used, just like the other hard things.


Tuesday, April 3, 2018

His Goodness

Rebuilding is not for the fainthearted. There's a flurry of activity at my house this week. Dust is flying along with buzzing of saws and popping of nail guns. An amazing pantry is almost finished and there are new baseboards taller than the waters that invaded my home seven months ago. We are at the point where I must choose a paint color.  Who knew gray could be so complicated?
Just as I think I can't make one more wonderful decision, another one comes my way today. It appears I might have room to make one or two more upgrades. (Shh...can't give away the surprises all at once.)
Driving home this evening, my head still spinning, I had this consuming thought: But God, I don't deserve all this goodness. I just don't deserve all this beauty.  
My dear friend, Jan, had just given me an hour long pep talk and I was still drowning in guilt.
 I just don't deserve all this goodness!
And wouldn't you know it, I heard it, that audible God-whisper that shouts deep! 

No, you don't deserve it.
You don't deserve anything!
I just want to gift you. I love you and want this for you. Please accept my gift. Please let Me love you. Just be grateful, my child.   Yes, it's Me...God

If you know me well, you know extravagance is not my style. I'm frugal; I live simply. Past remodels, even the necessary ones, were difficult for me, because...well, I just don't think I deserve them. They were usually  completed with a huge dose of the reluctance and some never began because someone else had better need of the funds.  This is foreign territory for me, folks.   Very foreign!
But these days, when God speaks, I listen well.
So tomorrow, I will walk in the house and give God the praise He deserves for his lavish gift. I'm going to let Him smother me with all his goodness.
All this blessing: a construction team that is clearly His hands and feet, friends that love me through all my quirkiness and indecision, manna from unexpected sources, a newly resurrected rose bush that reminds me of my Rob who shared this space with me. He would have been very grateful of all this goodness.
He led me to a place of safety;
    he rescued me because he delights in me.
Psalm 18:19