Monday, February 29, 2016

Post op day five
This fairly routine surgery has unleashed something terribly unsettling inside me:
fear and anxiety!
I've bravely walked through many past surgeries, some quite complicated and risky, but this one is teaching me what I hate most about myself:
fear and anxiety!
Every sensation paralyzes me; there is no peace. 
Am I scared of losing my sight or am I really scared of losing my way?
I miss Rob and his unwavering support.
He would know just how to calm the "medical ocd" that runs through my brain, he'd gently rinse the shampoo so I could protect my eye, he'd walk through surgery #2, the one I dread now.
Bottom line...I grieve, I grieve deep, knowing there will most likely never be family at my side as I grow old and collect more health issues.
Why can't I trust God alone?
Where is my faith?
Look at the friends who patiently travel with me! Is that not enough proof of His provision?
Why can't I let go of
fear and anxiety?

Saturday, February 20, 2016

All I ever had to do is mention an author or book I was interested in and not long after, it would be sitting at my bedside. And I often would eventually have a collection from that author.  (Tuesdays with Morrie is resting cozy somewhere in this house!)
Sometimes, words just reach out and grab your heart. 

“Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it." 

Mitch Albom-the five people you meet in heaven

Thursday, February 11, 2016

Hearts are hanging everywhere this week. Valentine love is in the air... tender thoughts of my man flood my heart.  My man who knew how to love hard and selflessly, a man starkly different than the men in a provocative "stuffed animal" commercial flooding the airwaves. You know, the one where the men are clearly seeking "something" in return for the enormous pile of fur.  Love does not seek its own interests, the Love Chapter reminds—my man to a tee.

My heart brims with gratitude this February week; I really did receive the deluxe "box of chocolates" the day I met Rob.  Rob treated women in a manner that mirrored Jesus. Never seeking anything for himself, he just regarded every female he encountered with great respect and kindness.  Rob cared deeply about each one of you women and I want you to know it!  I saw his love for you at the rear of a youth classroom and in the church halls where he asked about your week, your job, your family, always with genuine concern.  I saw it at camp when the emotional impact of the week brought you to tears. I saw it in the stories he told about his female co-workers; he held you in high esteem and worried about your families.  I adored seeing it in the way he treated his mother, his sisters, his daughters, his nieces, his granddaughters with sweet compassion and often, a sense of awe; Rob embraced you as his God-given gift and he wanted you to recognize your great worth to him and the world.

Most often I learned to see the way God cherished me through the eyes and actions of my dear Rob, a gift that remains with me as I venture through this new season without him by my side. He cared more that I was confident in God's love for me than his.   Love does not seek its own interests. 
I Corinthians:13