Lately, I've been asked how I'm doing in the aftermath of Harvey. My honest response: I'm hanging by a thread, but I'm still hanging. After yesterday's senseless attack on a small town church, it's frayed even more. 

I'm having a hard time holding on like so many I know. Maybe that's the problem; I'm doing all of the hanging. I stumbled across Deuteronomy 33:12 this weary morning...

Of Benjamin he said, "The beloved of the LORD dwells in safety. The High God surrounds him all day long and [he] dwells between his shoulders."

Maybe I'm expending so much energy clinging to my own frazzled fear of unknowns, that I'm not allowing God's promise to his children to carry me instead.

Let go! Like the climber who nestles herself into a harness and trusts the belay set, I need to trust the High God, the Anchor, who surrounds and carries me like a protective Father.

His anchor line is Triune; it runs through the entire Story with crimson security. He will not let my foot slip.

His harness offers rest for the weary.

So it's time to let go, be carried, and offer a new response:

I'm dwelling between His strong shoulders!

Jesus! I am resting, resting
In the joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
  Of Thy loving heart.
Thou hast bid me gaze upon Thee,
And Thy beauty fills my soul,
For, by Thy transforming power,
  Thou hast made me whole. Jean S. Pigott

Sunday night draws to a close. Even though I know I should call it a night, I fight sleep. Waking up means a new week of paperwork, endless calls and more work in a place I don't recognize as home anymore.
Another Sunday night,  finding myself in a battle to see the good in all of this...again, the joy!
I return to the counting of gifts.
I'm profoundly grateful for tenacious love! I'm girded by a small army that doesn't give up on me. They listen once again to my story, my sorting out of this ongoing chaos. They feed me with meal after meal, but even better, with helpings of hope and acceptance of my ever-changing moods. They anticipate my every need. They show up again and again. Tenacious love! They understand that love runs a marathon ; it's no easy sprint. Their talk is gentle, brimming with kindness and they push off my feeble attempts to pay them back; they want nothing from me.  Tenacious,  like our Father's unfailing love.
I'm learning to live open-handed, receiving grace instead of grasping for it. I tend to get grabby when my faith falters. How can I forget His faithfulness so easily, especially with this army of mine?
" Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Do you leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it?  And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home  Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ' Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.' " Luke 15

Tenacious love...

 I love walking through marinas, enjoying the calm rhythm of waves lapping against docked boats...one of my favorite sounds. I also love the serenity of ocean waves spilling onto shoreline. The lull of each ebb and flow hushes my soul. 

 But there is no such peace in the constant pounding of life's anxieties and irritations; those waves can beat down our weary souls.
I've had my share of frustrations these past weeks. I've battled one by one: insurance re-certifications, shaky social workers, leaky faucets, giant-sized walkers. I've fought loneliness, pain, a pile of medical bills. But yesterday, one too many waves spilled and all came crashing down.
My driver, a good friend, stood by helpless. I limped out of the Fed Ex lobby and three years of grief and exhaustion overflowed. 
You see, just like the ocean's rhythm, life can lull us into believing if we just try hard enough, fight long enough, we can put on a brave front and make it through life on our own might. I'd surely convinced myself and perhaps most others, that I was winning the fight.
It was an ugly breakdown yesterday; I even cried for God to just take me Home. But ultimately, surrender is beautiful.  I lost my battle with pride and self-sufficiency! 
My current therapy assistant has hinted that I might have a life-long limp from my injury. Thankfully, with more therapy, my surgeon disagrees, but the image is not lost on me. I'm reminded of Jacob, the heel grabber, subdued in his wrestle with God...a dislocated hip, a limp, a blessing. Was it the surrender or the limp that saved Jacob's life?
I'm learning it's not my fight. 
Paul wrote to young Timothy, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." 
It wasn't Paul's fight either.
Faith! I almost overlooked the connection. Paul surrendered his difficult race to his God. Faith...putting the fight back into God's hands.

 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships,in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.  
2 Corinthians 12:9-10NIV


   

"It's so hot here in Texas that the chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs!"

Just ask my trees...boy, are they stressed.  My tree man once told me I could care for thirsty trees by drilling a few tiny holes in the bottom of five-gallon buckets, then setting them around the root line.

I've been filling those babies up with gallons of water almost every day and I notice the trees aren't dropping as many leaves. 

Now, I've also heard that storms make trees take deeper roots.  Hmm...maybe the rainfall from a series of storms?

All I know is I want to prepare my giants for a Texas-size hurricane that might uproot them, causing a lot of collateral damage.

How do we protect ourselves from being uprooted by the emotional tsunamis life throws at us?  Same thing...we need deep roots.

I've had my share of ravaging ones in the past decade and find myself facing the newest one, perhaps one of the hardest so far.  

I'm learning to soak my roots long and well before the pain and loss hits.

Jeremiah said it well:

"But blessed are those who trust in the LORD and have made the LORD their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought.  Their leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit. Jeremiah 17:7-8 NLT

It's not wise to wait for the crisis! I need to drench my soul in the eternal truths of my Creator, my Protector, my Redeemer, soaking in the Scriptures long before the squalls are on the horizon.  I have to believe that He is enough, nothing else satisfies!

My bucket-laden yard isn't the prettiest these dog days of summer and often, neither is my life, but what lies below is hardy and ready for the blows. 

Those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life. Jesus

                                                                                                    John 4:14

                                                               

Portland Rhododendron Garden   Photo credit: R. Moore
Due to a few mishaps, I'm down to one lens that is designed to shoot close-ups of busy toddlers. Capturing the big picture is challenging, if not impossible.  Kind of like my life right now...my limited view of life without Rob looks pretty small.  But I'm choosing to trust in God's photograph, knowing his master plan will prove loftier, more refined and undeniably, more beautiful.
"Increase my borders, use my story, give this tragedy purpose!" I pray.
I think He whispers, "In my time, Child. Abide and I will make my plan known."
But this I know; He is not finished with me.

The [uncompromisingly] righteous shall flourish like the palm tree [be long-lived, stately, upright, useful, and fruitful]; they shall grow like a cedar in Lebanon [majestic, stable, durable, and incorruptible].
Planted in the house of the Lord, they shall flourish in the courts of our God.[Growing in grace] they shall still bring forth fruit in old age; they shall be full of sap [of spiritual vitality] and [rich in the] verdure [of trust, love, and contentment].
[They are living memorials] to show that the Lord is upright and faithful to His promises; He is my Rock, and there is no unrighteousness in Him.                                                 Psalm 92: 12-15 Amplified Bible

Four months have passed and not only am I still standing, but I'm learning to fly!  Two cars have found new homes, numerous accounts transferred into my name, emotional treks to the courthouse, two trips under my belt....But never flying solo, not once!
Jeff Silbar and Larry Henley penned it well: You are the wind beneath my wings!
Isaiah composed it even better:
But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31NLT
Jeff, Larry, Isaiah, did you have any idea how scary, how difficult stepping off the ledge would be? Did you realize my heart would break over and over with each new flap of a wing?
God, you stir my nest, you nudge me to soar, you raise me up! 
Higher calling still on the horizon...

Perhaps this is not the life you expected or trained for. Dave Peterson, did you know my heart before you began to speak this morning? I almost missed the message with my name inscribed all over it, the safety of my bed beckoned to win. But I knew my Aarons and Hurs would hold me up on this gloomy Sunday morning. 
You know there's power in the pews.
I asked the hard questions this week. Is this all there is? What could You possibly have planned for me after life with Rob? How do I start again, LORD?
Jesus presses us into new territory. Yes, Dave, you can say that again!  But, God, there are just so many giants in the land.  Things I've never done, decisions to make, people to trust, so much NEW...
But the One who really fills the pulpit knows exactly what I need.
Get started, keep going, finish the race, keep your eyes on Him.
Oh those lyrics that keep me running. Don't look to the right or to the left. Keep your eyes on Me. I AM the hand to hold, 
I Am the Truth, I AM the Way...
Again, I'm reminded of 2 Corinthians 1:4 living.
Perhaps a pioneer, paving the way for others who will eventually join this difficult journey,  just as Jesus prepared the way for me? 
A new joy...In training with the Perfecter, one step at a time.

Holding On

Handed off Rob's car to his son 

last Sunday

Not gone forever, but its absence makes for a lonely driveway

A well-worn steering wheel

Can you see?

A man gripping on mile after mile

Yes, Rob held on, didn't he? 

Held on to his God until the very end

New loss rears all too often 

these days

Will I hold on?

So do not lose the courage you had in the past, which has great reward. You must hold on, so you can do what God wants and receive what He has promised. Hebrews 10:35-36

Grief counselor entreats, 

"Lean into your grief" 

Doesn't that require a tighter grip?

I sing it over and over

I am

holding on to You

I am

Holding on to You

In the middle of the storm

I am 

holding on 

I am

Yes, I Am, Ehyeh Asher Ehyeh,

 The Great I Am that I Am

I see it clearly 

I Am!

I might

Loosen my grip

Fear not

I Am!

 holding on 

mile after mile

I am written by David Crowder and Ed Cash

Salty Joy

John Piper says it so well! 
"The taste of life people are aching for is to see a person who is happy in the midst of pain; who's got something so deep, so unshakable, so indomitable and invincible that when all around their soul gives way, their joy doesn't give way...That would be so salty, so bright, so bright that it would look like the glory of God on earth...You'll be the salt of the earth. You'll be what the world needs and even what the taste buds of their soul are longing for and they don't know it."
Happy in the midst of pain...not lighthearted, not fun to be around...instead, Confident!  Unshakable confidence in the sovereignty of God.
Paul and Timothy, with their hearts wide open, declared their state: sorrowful, but always rejoicing: truth for the church at Corinth, truth for us, and truth for those considering a place on a pew.
Authentic suffering held together with deep conviction that God is doing a profound work in the midst of our pain...sounds like JOY that invites souls to taste and see that the LORD is good. Salty joy!

Eye on the Prize

                              

Heart thumping "I can do this, I can do this" as I enter my Bible study room today. I need Jesus, the One and Only, much more than my morning Fox reporters.  And there it is, joy written all over the faces of the women who have traveled this rocky road before me. 

We shudder as we grasp 400 silent years; yes, 400 years of God withholding his Word. Then, when Yahweh saw his people could hunger no more, Jesus, God's Living Word, came! Silence pierced by the cry of an infant Son!  We ponder an interesting observation by our teacher, Beth: 'Time was coming, not going.'  And that's when Heaven touches my heart.  Rob knew his time was coming, not going. My precious husband faced a very certain death on earth with that unshakable conviction; he knew his life was all about coming into the presence of God, not counting earthly moments as they ticked away. 

I find myself drawn to the more recent photos of Rob. Can't help it!  There's a glimmer in his eyes, a peaceful smile, expectancy written deeply in his face and now I see clearly; he knows what is coming: the Hope of Glory! Joy deep, deep down in his soul...

Rob Moore Memorial Service from Tallowood on Vimeo.

My best friend, today we celebrate sixty years of a life well lived. Yes, my heart breaks that I'm unable to greet you today with a sweet kiss, wrap my arms around you and tell you how much I love you, but I know that you are spending your birthday in the presence of the King. A party so magnificent, so beautiful, anything I would throw for you pales in comparison. 
In the past days, family and friends have shared memory after memory about your beautiful life. What else could be said?  I'm so proud to call myself Mrs. Rob Moore. You chose to take a chance on a pretty insecure 17 year old and with great patience you helped me grow into a strong, determined woman. Even through all the hiccups of life, we were blessed with such a great love and friendship; I'll treasure both until we meet up again. Thank you for showing kindness and generosity. Today a bunch of us are going to have the time of our lives doing what you did on a daily basis: blessing others that need some hope and cheer. See the legacy you are leaving? 
Today, we will choose joy as we celebrate your sixty years. I'm not sure about the workings of Heaven, but I hope you can break away from the "Real Party" to enjoy a little Kingdom work on your behalf. 
Today I celebrate your beautiful smile, your hazel eyes, your healed body and the multitude of memories that help me stand today without you by my side. I have one eye on the opportunities awaiting and one fixed on the clouds. You are sorely missed and loved beyond reason, my love. I'm confident you are soaking in the blessings of your new life with the One who created you. 

We jumped! We left the safety of a commercial treatment plan that promised a few more months and dove head first into the murky waters of experimental drugs. Faith in the mixture of toxins and antibodies? Not a chance. Complete dependence on the greatness of a GOD who can pulverize cancer cells. Can we trust Him to heal without man-made medicine? Of course, but we have seen Him move mountains to get us to the right doctor, schedule impossible tests in His time, and flood us with complete peace concerning this clinical trial that could save the next generation of pancreatic patients. 

Mark Batterson writes "If you don't take a risk; you forfeit a miracle." Perhaps...  Moses and Noah, looking foolish, risked their reputations, but they trusted God, even when the higher plan didn't make sense. Peter never would have become a "water-walker" had he stayed in the hull of the boat. We must admit that safety was tempting and uncharted waters seem a bit crazy, but we are trusting God's plan instead of the grim statistics of survival from this beast. Conventional treatment aligns with the odds; divine healing has no assigned number. 

So we offer thanks to our Maker, not just our gift Giver, and we ask, we expect, and ultimately, we accept His plan. We have dived into a sea of belief.

The psalmist cries, "My soul is in deep anguish. How long, LORD, how long? How can a routine test hold up infusing my husband with  life-giving hope? This roller coaster wait shakes me to the core, but I must hold on to God's perfectly timed plan! The cry of my heart is to see You work, Oh LORD!

The verb...Behold 

365 days to gaze upon the Son

Each hour looking for Him in the people I meet,

the Truths I read, the creation He holds together.

Like John, the paver, a year to

Behold the Lamb of God.   John 1:35 

Woman at the Well

I am the woman at the well and I've seen Jesus! Day after day I come to this ancient well to draw water, but today was different. He sat there, a Jew, tired and thirsty, and asked me for a drink. Me? An unclean Samaritan woman? Unheard of! I tried to argue, but He offered me everything.    Who am I to question this prophet who knows every detail of my life, even my current shame?   This Jew, he offers me permanent, living water,  not the temporary kind that flows from our father Jacob's well. But eternal, cleansing, saving drink that could only come from Him. I no longer need my dusty jug and the others? I must rush and tell them. Will they come and see for themselves the Savior who satisfies my soul?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       Monologue written for Camp Tallowood 2010

She left behind her water jug that day. What must I leave behind to truly follow Jesus?

...but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life. John 4:14