Friday, May 9, 2014

Today was hard...very hard! The headstone arrived once again and the placement was completely wrong. "Haven't we been through this scenario time and time again? Does no one listen to me?  Rob, help me!" 
This was one of those times I desperately needed my man to fix this mess with his calm authoritarian style. But of course, if he was here, none of this would be necessary!
 I fell apart. "No more conflict, no more decisions, no more!" 
It was not a pretty sight in that cemetery office. Through a sea of tears, I announced that I was taking my husband and leaving! Oh, my! They must have taken me seriously; within seconds, the general manager was gently leading me to a "quiet" place and offering an array of drinks along with tissues and solutions. 
After another circuitous trek around this debacle, we've landed on a new plan at his cost. So now I wait once again. 
It was the first time since Rob's death that I felt like I'd hit a dead end: no one to call, very alone.  The scary part was I was unable to call out to God. Oh, I knew He was with me and in control of my small crisis. I just couldn't talk to Him...anger gripping me, a new place that frightens me.
At this point I feel as I need to tidy up this post. It's ugly and raw.  Should I add a lesson learned?  I know the world is falling apart and my loose threads are pretty insignificant...
But the truth is life without my love is ugly and raw, lonely and unraveled. And I'm tired...tired of putting on a good front...tired of learning new skills even if they are "good for me"....tired of this roller coaster ride of emotion.  I want to go back to life as I knew it before cancer reared its heinous head. 
Tonight, lessons are over-rated!

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