Thursday, May 28, 2015

Wealth, fame, life has never been built on these virtues.  I've always thought each was as fickle as Texas weather; none stood a chance against Jesus.
But marriage was another thing. Each anniversary added another solid plank on which to live. My husband was my life, my happiness, my security. 
One Tuesday night nearly nine years ago, I sat in a sanctuary filled with hundreds of women, studying the Book of Esther.  Our teacher, Beth Moore, read the heroine's famous statement, If I perish, I perish and then posed a question that sucked the air out of my lungs. 
" So what is your 'If, then what?'"
In other words, What is your greatest fear and who are you going to trust with it?
I didn't hear anything else after that question.  I knew immediately my biggest, earth-shaking fear was the unthinkable loss of my husband; I'd struggled with it most of my married life to the point of great anxiety.    Could I live without him? How would I survive?...the very questions I asked almost a decade later when he was diagnosed with stage IV cancer. Holding on with all my mightI knew I was in clear danger of making Rob my lifeboat!  I did some fierce business with Jesus that night as I waited for the crowd to disperse. Naming my fear and giving it over to his care was one of the hardest things I've ever done. So if, then what...  If Rob dies, then Jesus will catch me! In fact, He has already held me all along and not once, has He ever let go of, not ever.  I choose to trust Him for He is the only foundation that is truly indestructible.
Looking back, I realize He was preparing me for the eventual end of a beautiful marriage, a relationship I came near to trusting as my sure footing.  As I shared in yesterday's post, I knew in the first quaking moments of hearing those profound words, terminal cancer, that Christ would not only catch me, but carry me through the darkest, loneliest season of my life.
Love has won, the solid, unchangeable love of my Savior.  Only Jesus...everything else is sinking sand.

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