I've been strong all week as I've prepared for camp. I even told the youth staff that I was excited to serve once again. But tonight, after a very difficult day, I'm making circles around a deep pit.  Where did all my bravery go?  I was so willing to carry Rob to camp, but why can't I trust God to carry me?
Maybe I'm just dealing with more recognized loss. Both Rob and I loved leading and camp was no exception. We would laugh at how our personalities and strengths blended so perfectly that we ran like a well-oiled machine. We loved watching our students see marriage at its best. 
The memories of last year have jolted me. I just don't know if I can relive the memories of how sick he was during last year's camp. Will more grief pour as I step off the bus?  Will everything remind me of my Rob?  Can I really do this solo after over a decade of being a team?  More questions.. fewer answers. 
All I know is tonight I'm terrified and I'm hanging on for dear life.