Recently, I’ve had to talk back to myself... a lot!
I think the anticipation of turning 65, retirement age, without my partner has crushed me. All of our dreams, our plans sit in a pile, threatening to steal the joy that I’ve so pleaded for during my bouts of loneliness and depression.
 Today, I remind myself: my most expensive real estate is my mind. I can’t let anything or anyone stay there for free and I must capture destructive thoughts the moment they check-in and leave them with Christ. 
Presently, I’m wrestling with the idea of not holding on to those who let go of me a long time ago...that includes my late husband. Releasing him proves the hardest as there was no obvious toxicity in our relationship. However, the truth remains: he did let me go as he prepared to depart from this life and begin beyond. 
My retirement plans (emphasis on mine) included total immersion into the world of grandkids! Close proximity, much spoiling and teaching, relief for tired parents...that was not anyone else’s plan. I can’t find fault for we, too, chose the same with our own parents. It’s just harder on this end, isn’t it? And eternity together seems a long way off. What looms heaviest is they might forget my love for them. How will I leave a legacy they can touch?  
So much for rambling in the dark...in a strange manner, I welcome this painful season; I’m confident  this constant renewal of my mind is vital to an ongoing, growing walk with my Lord.