Monday, February 29, 2016

Post op day five
This fairly routine surgery has unleashed something terribly unsettling inside me:
fear and anxiety!
I've bravely walked through many past surgeries, some quite complicated and risky, but this one is teaching me what I hate most about myself:
fear and anxiety!
Every sensation paralyzes me; there is no peace. 
Am I scared of losing my sight or am I really scared of losing my way?
I miss Rob and his unwavering support.
He would know just how to calm the "medical ocd" that runs through my brain, he'd gently rinse the shampoo so I could protect my eye, he'd walk through surgery #2, the one I dread now.
Bottom line...I grieve, I grieve deep, knowing there will most likely never be family at my side as I grow old and collect more health issues.
Why can't I trust God alone?
Where is my faith?
Look at the friends who patiently travel with me! Is that not enough proof of His provision?
Why can't I let go of
fear and anxiety?

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