Last Week

It’s here! The last week in the last year of my 6th decade. I’m grateful I have made it thus far; my dear Rob and Ellen did not see 70.  Looks like  I will celebrate this upcoming jubilee. 

Three thoughts: look up, look forward, look within. 

Keep looking up! God has never forsaken me, always forgiven me, and remains near to me. Great (past, present and future) is His faithfulness.

I’m looking forward! Yes, the time left on earth is a lot shorter, but eternally it’s, well, eternal. I’m laser-focused on the real future!  I’m looking forward to pouring over the scriptures in a fresh way, intimately reacquainting myself with the biblical giants. Who knows, I might even have a list of questions for them if I ever take my gaze off Jesus. And while I’m waiting for that fellowship, I don’t want to miss anything about my Redeemer as I study and pray. 

And thirdly, I need to search within. My morning prayer ends with “Less of me; more of You, Jesus. Holy Spirit, fill me!” No, not just to be more like Him, but to become so empty of myself that Jesus has the  space to show up and dwell big in me. He’s the Invitation, the Prize, The Way; if I make room for Him to shine, just think of the party who joins me at His Wedding Feast. God willing, the seventies will be dedicated to examination, listening and a lot of shedding. Max Lucado coins it well; Traveling Lightly. My backpack is still full and my weary soul feels it. What am I willing to hand off to and for Him?

Decade Seven, here I come, trusting  and obeying!

Withdrawal

 The withdrawal is real! Backstory: Facebook now wants me to give a photo identification to authentic my new account. The red flag? The message uses British English terms (i.e. driving licence.) Could it be associated with the Australian hacker? I can’t even investigate it, because I can’t reach a human at Meta! I can’t risk it, but it’s tempting; I’m addicted to connection. 

That’s not a truly bad thing; Scripture and even neuroscience tells us we were made for relationship. I just wonder if I’ve replaced real live connection with a phone screen. It is safer, more convenient, but probably not how God designed us. Social media is a lot like a virtual travel documentary or zoom class. One can learn a lot about the region or subject, it’s convenient, inexpensive and pajama pants are allowed, but where are the smells, the touch? No gentle breezes, smell of fresh pine, no hugs! Social media definitely has a place; I have friends who use it so wonderfully, encouraging others and bringing beauty to our broken world. Face to face is just a better connection for me and now a total necessity!

So I’m accepting the challenge of creative connection. Today, I’m making a surprise porch visit to drop off birthday goodies, I’m exploring a ESOL ministry, but most importantly, I’m trading in the scrolling for mindful listening for God’s voice. I’m not even sure what that will look like, but I’m excited about a deeper connection with Him.

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

“And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” Colossians3:14-ESV

Welcome Back

 

It’s been a year since I’ve added to this platform. This blog has always been for an audience of ONE. I’ve used the usual social media to scratch some ordinary thoughts, but after some nefarious activity on my accounts, I no longer trust that avenue. A few friends have asked me to share my writing, so if that is you, I will do my best to keep it short and real.

This was the last photo I posted before my fore-mentioned account was stolen. I saw the long arduous road ahead, but was trusting God to guide me down it. Within hours of posting, life  changed, and I was completely dependent on Him, clinging for dear life!

The nefarious actors tried to change my identity to a money-hungry woman, peddling prosperity gospel. This post signals they were unsuccessful, so let’s get back to Truth. 

Some random thoughts to begin. I’m learning a lot about my real identity after being badly shaken.  The removal of social media  and my utilities cut off for a week due to Hurricane Beryl left me alone and lonely. A few questioned my motives after reading some of the posts added by my impostor; I felt broken and misunderstood.  To whom do you turn when your identity is being questioned? To the Maker who formed you, of course!

During the silent hours, God reminded me of exactly who I am in Him.

I am seen.  

I am deeply loved.  

I am chosen.

I am pursued.

I am fully known by an all-knowing Father.

I am a new creation.

I am His.

I am redeemed. 

I am forgiven. 

I am secured. 

I will never be forsaken!

The only scarlet I wear is the blood of my Jesus.

And there’s still a lifetime of identity to discover; what would you add?

Write them down

 

Sixty-nine years…ending another decade. A lifetime of memories, but I fear they are beginning to fade. 

When we were certain Rob would not see sixty, I gently coaxed him to tell me the hidden stories of his childhood. It was too late; he was fading away. I promised myself, I would leave our family snapshots of our life well-lived, but grief’s fog and a series of traumatic events left little energy for recall.  Most remain bottled up in my head, ready to spill. Write them down before it’s too late! 

1978-we had been married just over a year: a hard year, financially strapped, churchless, homesick for life back home in Kansas, and weary  from grief. A small apartment on busy Westheimer was our temporary home. Our budget didn’t allow for any fancy getaways or romantic dinners so date night meant exploring our immediate surroundings. A new mega music store, Sound Warehouse,  opened its doors at the corner of Voss and Westheimer and it soon became our Disneyland…well, mostly Rob’s dream store. I just tagged along, happy to be with him in his happy place.  

I still see that young, thin guy, clad in faded loose jeans and worn t-shirt, hunched over rows of records, intently memorizing lyrics and musicians. There was no Google search to later jog his memory; my musician stored every detail in his inquisitive brain.  Rob browsed for hours and I soaked in the music and him. 

One night,  he bought a new release, Dan Fogelberg’s Nether Lands. Trust me, it would not have been his pick of the night, but that was Rob, always thinking of others. We could not afford it, but he bought it anyway; he knew how much I loved Dan’s music and backstory. As usual, we closed down the store, carrying our new purchase to our next destination: House of Pies, open 24 hours a day. That night we probably had to share a piece of chocolate meringue pie and a drink; our cash was now quite low. Oh, but how rich was my heart. I had everything I needed and more. 

Scarecrow’s Dream, one of my most favorite songs from the album, plays on repeat as I enjoy my early morning coffee. Oh, how I hope you are making beautiful music, Rob. “And if you ever hear me calling out….”

Bill’s wisdom

After 10 years, I am rereading Rob’s Caring Bridge site. There’s so much I’ve forgotten, a journey that deserves another trip. 

This entry speaks volumes to me. 

Journal Entry by Robin Moore — June 29, 2013

Rob asked me earlier this week how I thought he should  live out this devastating diagnosis. He wasn't talking about cures or drug therapies; he was really addressing the spiritual journey ahead of him. I've been chewing on this ever since. 

Today I visited my former dentist's CaringBridge site and his two year anniversary entry provided powerful wisdom. He suffered a freak fall, breaking his neck at C-3 and sustaining a severe injury. 

He writes: “Dear friends, since today is the two year anniversary of my injury, I have been reflecting on all that has happened during the past twenty-four months….Throughout my roller coaster recovery, God has used me miraculously for His purposes.  Presently, I am leading a nurse to begin reading the New Testament, and today one of our ministers asked me to give my testimony for a large men's group at our church.  Even though I am one year behind where I had hoped to be physically, I have joy knowing that I am bearing fruit spiritually.”

So I offer Bill’s wisdom. 

"How do I live out this terrible diagnosis?"  Continue to bear fruit.

Robin

And after ten years, I would only add Jesus’s wise directive which brings forth such fruit: remain.

 Remain in Me. Hold on tight!

Jeremiah 17:7-8

"But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD,

whose confidence is in him.

They will be like a tree planted by the water

that sends out its roots by the stream.

It does not fear when heat come;

its leaves are always green.

It has no worries in a year of drought

and never fails to bear fruit."

John 15:5 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.

Ten years later

 

I was bargain hunting last week when I spotted this pair of charms. The box included the words: 

Made For Each Other. 

Yep, I bought them and once again, I  journeyed down memory lane. 

Summer of 1972-my grandparents invited Rob to join our family at their Florida home. My sweet Poppy bought my sister, Rob and me tickets to explore a new amusement park. Yes, it was Disney World’s first official summer. My sister tolerated our immature puppy love; God bless her! Years later, our own family made memories at the magical park and then, Rob and I celebrated our 50th birthdays with Mickey; we loved living happily ever after. 

Today marks the 10th anniversary of Rob’s cancer diagnosis and our family’s unthinkable journey with the pancreatic beast. 

I’m still trying to process why this particular year is harder than recent ones; perhaps milestone anniversaries are just naturally notable. I find myself wrestling with the thought of ten long years of more survival than surprise. Ten years of solo!

I stood over Rob’s grave this morning; some of my most authentic conversations with God happen in the quiet of the cemetery. 

I sincerely asked, “How long, O Lord? What are the plans You have for me?  Is there any more adventure as I enter this new chapter because time’s running out! God, I’m no longer looking for fairytales, just Your perfect, but elusive plan.”

And He lovingly  whispered back, “Have you forgotten that I

made you for Me? Remain in Me; trust my Goodness in the land of the living.” So we begin again…

Eternal Perspective

I’ve been looking at what others are voicing on an eternal perspective; this woman’s thoughts really resonated with me.