Forgiveness and Grace

Funny, how when you open yourself to your social circle, spilling your random thoughts, God goes right to work on you.
 During the last post,  I shared that I wondered if forgiveness might free another to see themself as God does: loved by grace. I’ve been struggling with forgiveness for someone for a good while. This broken (aren’t we all) person continues to make choices that cause a growing ripple of hurt and destruction; it’s  hard to hold on to hope. When I asked God how I should pray, He whispered, just ask me this: God, shed your grace on my broken person.
So, in obedience, I’ve been doing just that.  It’s a powerful prayer, just as it has been through the decades as we have prayerfully sung America, America, God shed your grace on thee. 
And then comes the waiting and trusting...
Today just happens to be the National Day of Prayer for our country; let’s offer that same prayer for her...and then trust. 

Loneliness...it is an insidious creature.

I'm not sure which has been the most debilitating, anxiety or loneliness. Moving back into the house has increased both; the battle continues.

A preacher friend once said, "Loneliness is a gift." 

I'm determined to discover the Gift Giver no matter how painful the journey.

Like many of my hard seasons, I'm risking exposure in this search; many walk the same path and together we might find goodness and treasure.

What if we trade loneliness for aloneness with the One and Only? 

I've been asking for a word of guidance, wisdom.

Not an antidote for loneliness, but a hope that my pastor friend is right...

Several days in, I already see opportunity in the lonely hours...PRAYER.

My pastor is preaching his heart out about intimacy with God through prayer. I'm joining him in this discipline.

I've started with six prayer journals, one for each grandchild. In those quiet hours, I'm devoting myself to praying for each one of my precious charges, building a spiritual trust fund for this future generation.

I'm confident the gifts will continue.

Pastor Duane has been encouraging us to enter Sabbath rest, a time to tune out all the noise and focus on the LORD.  He reminds us that it looks different for each one of us, but it needs to be intentional.

Saturdays seem to work best for me and I'm trying to make Wednesday mornings a midweek break from the chaos as well. All said, it's a lot easier for someone who has raised her kids and retired from the workforce. Even so, I have to make it happen.

I have a beautiful handmade prayer journal, a gift from my dear sister-in-law; it's filled with prayer prompts: quotes from pastors and writers, prayers I've copied, some I've scratched myself.  The pockets are filled with Bible verses I'm memorizing and a running log of prayer requests.

It's such a treasure that helps me focus.

John Piper's thoughts direct my Sabbath rest. 

Consider Jesus. Know Jesus.

Learn what kind of Person it is that you say you trust and love and worship.

Soak in the shadow of Jesus.

Saturate your soul with the ways of Jesus.

Watch Him.  Listen to Him. Stand in awe of Him.

Let Him overwhelm you with the way He is.

                                                                              John Piper

What does your intentional time with God look like?

Let's encourage one another.

Plan-C
I mentioned in my last post that it was not my first or even second choice of how I wanted to live my life. 
It got me to thinking...Does God keep switching the plan? 
I think I almost immediately heard God chuckle, Oh dear daughter, there is only one plan, MY PLAN. Stop counting, get up, and join me as I unfold it.
Somewhere along the way, I decided this season of loss would result in a greater me, maybe even a new me and yes, a new improved purpose. POOF! One day I'd awake and realize that all this rotten pain culminates in some grand, glorious calling, an earth-shaking destiny. 
What if the real calling is long, faithful obedience to his one perfect plan? And what if this calling draws more attention to Him than me?
Beware! Me always wants the starring role.

Singer/songwriter, Babbie Mason, suggests "living to please God is the primary reason you were born." I would add the words of Isaiah 26:8 to this highest calling: "Yes, LORD, walking in the ways of your laws, we wait for you; your name and renown are the desires of our hearts." Born to please and make God famous!
In both declarations, GOD/me. GOD over me. GOD is whole, I am fractional.
A long, pleasing obedience of making Him, not me, well known, while He reveals his plan to give me hope and a future...worth repeating.

Can the earth shake in the unfolding?
It sure can! 
A few months ago, I began serving in the newborn ministry at my church again. We no longer make home visits, so my role is less defined and visible.  I'm the prayer warrior for our new babies and their families and oh, boy, have I had a front row seat to God's seismic answers. 
He's called me to intercede for my own children and young grandchildren on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis. Knee-wearing work with rippling effect!  
Encouraging young families as they dedicate their homes to our loving Father may seem mundane, maybe non-essential in the grand scheme of things, but don't be mistaken; it's gloriously pleasing to God.

Remember your first chapter books? 
Did you enjoy watching the plot develop or did you race through the chapters to see how it ended? Maybe even now, you read the last page first, robbing yourself of the dramatic twist and turns.
I'm choosing to stop counting, to get up and take the next small step of obedience while He turns the page. 
How about you?

Sadness drowns our souls. Both of us grieve what we will most likely miss as a couple. The trip to view autumn foliage, playing catch with little Stephen and Matthew, our fortieth anniversary, Bobby's wedding, Disneyland with Sam and Jill.  Sometimes I scream why; other times I shrink with acceptance and anguish. 
We kneel as one; bent heads pour out our breaking hearts. Sweet intimacy soothes like the balm I nightly rub into Rob's edematous, misshapen feet.  How can blessing spill from such heaviness?

This fight against the Beast is a lonely one. I can't share Rob's pain or his search for what is ahead. I can't expect others to stop their own living to stand guard with us through every stomach ache, every infusion, every fear. The night watch is the loneliest...waiting for the 3:30 meds; watching a wracked husband finally drift off into peaceful sleep. A friend tells me loneliness is a gift from God, a time to enter the intimate space with the relationship Maker.  My head and heart agree, but I'm too exhausted to speak with or to cry to the One who goes before me and secures the rear. My Father and I, we sit. I stare into the darkness and He watches over Rob and me. And He whispers that Jesus is the One who looks upon with great compassion. He quietly reminds me that there are His faithful few pleading in these early hours. 

"I'm angry at the world!"  People bark that everyday, but they usually mean they are having a really bad day and their world had better watch out.
But I'm really mad at the World!
Several weeks preparing for speaking engagements, pouring over films, articles, lectures expounding the tragedy of innocent children shattered by human trafficking and pornography, has taken its toll on me.
I'm outraged at despicable people who rob an innocent child of life and freedom and I'm disgusted with governments that ignore their young charges.
I 'm angry with the Enemy who authors this inconceivable evil and frustrated with a world that chooses to look the other way.
Why is it easier to cover our eyes, ears and heart to such an overwhelming mess? Could it be that we do care but struggle to even squelch our own daily fires?  I fear the world is just a stronger draw.  Prayer is replaced with a sitcom; investment in a vulnerable teen neglected because a favorite pastime.
So what do I do with today's simmering anger?
I guard my heart as I know that it determines the course of my life.
I hide Truth that I might not sin against the very One who sets beneath me the fire to fight this injustice.
And I continue the dialogue with the One who always listens and then, I speak, hoping my pleas for justice pierce. Even just one angry heart...