Today was hard...very hard! The headstone arrived once again and the placement was completely wrong. "Haven't we been through this scenario time and time again? Does no one listen to me?  Rob, help me!" 
This was one of those times I desperately needed my man to fix this mess with his calm authoritarian style. But of course, if he was here, none of this would be necessary!
 I fell apart. "No more conflict, no more decisions, no more!" 
It was not a pretty sight in that cemetery office. Through a sea of tears, I announced that I was taking my husband and leaving! Oh, my! They must have taken me seriously; within seconds, the general manager was gently leading me to a "quiet" place and offering an array of drinks along with tissues and solutions. 
After another circuitous trek around this debacle, we've landed on a new plan at his cost. So now I wait once again. 
It was the first time since Rob's death that I felt like I'd hit a dead end: no one to call, very alone.  The scary part was I was unable to call out to God. Oh, I knew He was with me and in control of my small crisis. I just couldn't talk to Him...anger gripping me, a new place that frightens me.
At this point I feel as I need to tidy up this post. It's ugly and raw.  Should I add a lesson learned?  I know the world is falling apart and my loose threads are pretty insignificant...
But the truth is life without my love is ugly and raw, lonely and unraveled. And I'm tired...tired of putting on a good front...tired of learning new skills even if they are "good for me"....tired of this roller coaster ride of emotion.  I want to go back to life as I knew it before cancer reared its heinous head. 
Tonight, lessons are over-rated!

Can a heart literally break? I've never felt so much pain, God.  Long, last embraces...heaving sobs between father and son...indescribable anguish. Can I survive such grief?

Sadness drowns our souls. Both of us grieve what we will most likely miss as a couple. The trip to view autumn foliage, playing catch with little Stephen and Matthew, our fortieth anniversary, Bobby's wedding, Disneyland with Sam and Jill.  Sometimes I scream why; other times I shrink with acceptance and anguish. 
We kneel as one; bent heads pour out our breaking hearts. Sweet intimacy soothes like the balm I nightly rub into Rob's edematous, misshapen feet.  How can blessing spill from such heaviness?

And Then The Leaving...
           Written by Tina Farrell to her daughter, Brandilyn, upon graduation from high school

I knew you second only to your God,
A delicate connection of life, blood, and bond.
Small flutters, gentle kicks, my expanding waist...
Oh, how I longed to look upon your sweet face
And then the leaving...

You left my womb this day.
Amazed at the vision, the perfect gift
Shrieks of joy, tears and rejoicing
Warm lights, tepid water, cuddling and embracing,
Nourishment carried from my body to
Your tiny little frame...
What a joy to finally whisper your name
And then the leaving...

You left my breast this day.
New sounds, sweet music, soft toys, warm baths
Gentle caresses and sleepy lullabies...
Our own language spoken through large trusting eyes
And then the leaving...

You left my arms this day.
Crawling, exploring, chubby little fingers
filled with cat whiskers
Rolling, kicking, rocking to and fro...
Always on the move, always on the go
And then the leaving...

You left my hands this day.
Wobbly little lamb legs, testing steps,
Holding, gripping, unsteady ways
A few tiny toe taps transformed into a quickened run
Eyes full of delight, playing in the sun
And then the leaving...

You left my side this day.
School bells, happy faces, bright orange crayons
Lunch in a sack
Games in the yard, basketball hoops,
books to read and a backpack
And then the leaving...

You left the waters this day,
Stepping towards the light of God.
A commitment that affected eternity,
Professing your precious faith with innocence,
Trust and purity
And then the leaving...

You left our influence this day.
New ideas, friends, emotions untamed,
Private times, notes in a book, hormones run wild
Stepping for the last time, no longer a child
And then the leaving...

You will leave our home this day.
Bright, witty, values set,
A new circle of friends, decisions, a future to mold,
Dreams of your special gift, keys only God can hold,
But the leaving won't come...

For my little one, wherever you go,
Wherever God leads,
Three places there are that give leaving no stairs:
Your mother's hopes, your mother's heart and last,
Your mother's prayers.

A split moment...a bad decision...perhaps, a lifetime of sad consequence.
Life bumps; we spill whatever fills us.
Tears... anger... revenge? or kind, life-giving words and deeds? Overflow touches another heart in the deep places.
One bad decision sets into motion a whirlwind of emotional consequences. Even the almost unnoticed choices can wound another.
Sometimes we need to pause and ask God to define what's filling us before our eruptions damage lives.
What's filling you these days? Jealous... bitterness... or.. joy and truth?
Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. Matt. 12:34.