First day at the skilled nursing facility...May I have some towels to take a shower?
Nursing assistant replies: Oh, your next shower day is not until next Tuesday...and trots off! I won what would be one of many battles. I got my towels and relished the first hot water my skin had felt in over a week. 
Dignity! I almost lost it along with my independence during my 14 day stay at one of the best facilities in the city. 
God, what are you teaching me?
Many lessons... some through tears and frustration.

• People who have worked hard, served their country deserve respect and the right to retain control over their environment!
• The ill and injured need an advocate to preserve the above.
• Those in long-term care may need more visits than when hospitalized.
• Even 93 year olds want to go home.
• Kindness is a healing balm, easing pain and stress.

On a more personal note,

• I must accept the help of others.
• I cannot always repay those acts of kindness but I can pay them forward at a future date.
• A stash of goodies for the nursing staff makes for a pleasant stay!

The anger I mentioned in my earlier post surprised me at first. It wasn't really about the fall; it was the brutal realization that I was alone. Of course, I have friends that will do most anything for me and they did, but this loneliness was about family...no family waiting for me at home. That's all I wanted in life...to serve and enjoy my husband and family. That lost dream hurts worse than any broken bone. Unfortunately, I'm still wrestling with that angry grief. 
My stay forced me to stare at what the last season of my life might look like and it frightened me to the core. Even so, I saw a resiliency in many of my senior residents that I greatly admire and want to model as I age. I've been forced to look at my health habits, realizing fitness must move up my priority list. 
The Lord only knows what impact He made through me in the time I was there, but I hope the administration and nursing staff was reminded about both the big and little things that make a facility outstanding and my attempts to encourage others made a difference.

Weekends in any medical unit can be sub par, so as the first Saturday approached, I prayed for the gift of caring staff. My prayer was answered with this beautiful nurse who chooses to work double shifts every Saturday and Sunday. We've become friends who share the loss of our husbands. God is a good gift-giver!
I've been home for a week now; it's hard, but I have a renewed sense that I can get through anything if Christ is the center of it. 

Oh God, I don't think my heart can withstand any more loss! I understand why folks guard them so tightly, especially the loosely bandaged ones.  Please don't make me open myself to another season of painful goodbyes; I've bled enough!
I'm crushed. I'm broad-sided once again.
I want to ask the "whys," but I'm not even sure You will answer.
All of my new dreams are shattered...I'm not building anymore.

Today was hard...very hard! The headstone arrived once again and the placement was completely wrong. "Haven't we been through this scenario time and time again? Does no one listen to me?  Rob, help me!" 
This was one of those times I desperately needed my man to fix this mess with his calm authoritarian style. But of course, if he was here, none of this would be necessary!
 I fell apart. "No more conflict, no more decisions, no more!" 
It was not a pretty sight in that cemetery office. Through a sea of tears, I announced that I was taking my husband and leaving! Oh, my! They must have taken me seriously; within seconds, the general manager was gently leading me to a "quiet" place and offering an array of drinks along with tissues and solutions. 
After another circuitous trek around this debacle, we've landed on a new plan at his cost. So now I wait once again. 
It was the first time since Rob's death that I felt like I'd hit a dead end: no one to call, very alone.  The scary part was I was unable to call out to God. Oh, I knew He was with me and in control of my small crisis. I just couldn't talk to Him...anger gripping me, a new place that frightens me.
At this point I feel as I need to tidy up this post. It's ugly and raw.  Should I add a lesson learned?  I know the world is falling apart and my loose threads are pretty insignificant...
But the truth is life without my love is ugly and raw, lonely and unraveled. And I'm tired...tired of putting on a good front...tired of learning new skills even if they are "good for me"....tired of this roller coaster ride of emotion.  I want to go back to life as I knew it before cancer reared its heinous head. 
Tonight, lessons are over-rated!

God said "No." You all prayed with me; you know. We prayed hard and long. We asked with persistence and passion, but in the end, He still answered "No."
We can dodge the reality of unanswered prayer with lovely platitudes, but my reality of an empty home remains.
I highlight Rob's life verse in the pages of Bibles, hoping his students will hide it in their hearts. 
Would it not make more sense for them to carry his weekly lessons, the "so whats" in their lives? 
God answered, "No." 
I record memories for the babies.
Would it not be better for them to make memories with a living, breathing grandfather?
God answered, "No."
And I can't stop asking, "Why?" 
And I can't fill my empty heart!
None of it makes sense and I'm rubbing my soul raw trying to find answers.
When will I bury entitlement and just seek Him for all He is?
When will I place brokenness in his hands and let Him create in me something better?
When will I wage no more war and fill the empty places with Peace? 

Today, I'm angry! I'm not mad at God, or the people who say stupid things out of ignorance, or the helpers who try to take over because it makes them feel good.  I'm not even angry at the nurse who has no patience or personality.
I just feel like punching the air.  My Rob is kind and gentle, giving and good, but cancer doesn't honor that! No, it hurls pain and nausea and fatigue and for me, despair. 
Sin controls my anger, but it only increases the pain. 
God, take this futile emotion away! Replace it with more faith and hope then I can even handle. Help me to answer the phone with grace and to receive with kindness. Let joy rule my heart, LORD!

Rob is stuck! He must continue treatment in order to keep the pain at bay, but the chemo makes his life hardly worth living. I hate this beast. I hate what it is doing to his body, his spirit, his future. 

"I'm angry at the world!"  People bark that everyday, but they usually mean they are having a really bad day and their world had better watch out.
But I'm really mad at the World!
Several weeks preparing for speaking engagements, pouring over films, articles, lectures expounding the tragedy of innocent children shattered by human trafficking and pornography, has taken its toll on me.
I'm outraged at despicable people who rob an innocent child of life and freedom and I'm disgusted with governments that ignore their young charges.
I 'm angry with the Enemy who authors this inconceivable evil and frustrated with a world that chooses to look the other way.
Why is it easier to cover our eyes, ears and heart to such an overwhelming mess? Could it be that we do care but struggle to even squelch our own daily fires?  I fear the world is just a stronger draw.  Prayer is replaced with a sitcom; investment in a vulnerable teen neglected because a favorite pastime.
So what do I do with today's simmering anger?
I guard my heart as I know that it determines the course of my life.
I hide Truth that I might not sin against the very One who sets beneath me the fire to fight this injustice.
And I continue the dialogue with the One who always listens and then, I speak, hoping my pleas for justice pierce. Even just one angry heart...