It's been almost three years since the Beast invaded my family's life...
Cancer.  As the third anniversary of Rob's diagnosis looms over me, I find myself battling the toughest depression to date.  
From the very beginning of this journey, I promised God that I'd let Him use my transparency for his purposes. I struggle with this as I prefer the closet. Who wants to be labeled: Stuck in Grief? 
Yet, too many of us stuff deep our private battles with pain, preventing our circle the privilege of real community and embarrassing others into quiet suffering. That's simply not God's plan for his children.

  Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. 

Galatians 6:2 NIV

I'm guilty as charged; the casual observer sees my functionality but not my daily paralysis. Friends laugh with me, but I rarely let them hold my buckets of tears. Is that your modus operandi, as well?
Truth is...my heart hurts and I think I'm in good company. If you aren't relating, we worn warriors cheer your tidy lives—but for many of us, life is more than messy. We trudge through emotional mire: impossible marriages, broken children, crippling fear and anxiety, chronic illness, devastating loss—it's a fierce battleground!

The good news—Paul reminds us:

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships,in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.2 Corinthians 12:9-10 NIV

It's my daily battle cry!

I am weak...so weak. I have no other place to run, but into the strong arms of my Savior.

Peter Blackburn says it better than me...thoughts from Psalm 84:6.

Valley of Baca

I do not choose
the valley of Baca -
place of dryness,
sadness,
depression,
place of tedious
sameness.
Yet,
without my choosing,
life
has a way
of taking me
there.
I do not enjoy
the valley of Baca.
I have no desire
to linger there
or to revel
in its desolation.
Yet my Lord
has promised
to be with me
all the way,
even when
I must pass
through this valley.
Because he is here,
even the valley of Baca
can become
to me
a place of springs -
refreshed,
renewed
from strength to strength
with him!

Baby steps...
I have been wading in murky waters these past few weeks; seems like I make some healthy progress and then I take a tailspin.  
My precious friend, Marie, prays big prayers for me every Thursday. Today's prayers, focused on timidity and fear, got me thinking about facing some of those things I've been avoiding. 
There's a list; believe me! 
I've been driving by Los Tios, a local hangout of ours, nearly every day this summer. I've avoided eating there ever since Rob became sick. How can I ever enjoy fish tacos and pralines without Rob sitting across the table? How do I hold myself together when I see friends who also frequent our neighborhood restaurant?  
Well, tonight I decided to slay this first giant on my current list of "I'm never going back there again."  I made it half way through the meal; "Please, sir, may I have a carryout box to hold my heartache?" 
Baby steps...
Too many couples our age...no tears, just deep sadness.
Fear #2...our community pool.   
Our family spent many summer evenings at our neighborhood pool while the kids were growing up and then, Rob and I kept up our routine as empty nesters.
Rob would jog up to the pool while I drove. In recent years, I worried when it took him longer than usual. Funny how I always feared a heart attack, never cancer. We would swim our laps, then sink neck deep into the tepid waters, shoulders always touching, and mull over our day as the sun slipped away.
I had not been up there either since Rob's diagnosis. Again, what if it is just too much; what could this place of only sweet memories hold for me now?
Well, I did it! I held back tears while watching a young man swim the laps I wished my own husband was completing and God, my rescuer, provided the perfect distraction: a darling four year old named Andrew. He stuck like glue to me, telling me all about his super heroes and swimming skills. Little did he know he was my super hero this tough evening. 
More baby steps...
I am learning that I don't need to hold on to all the things Rob and I enjoyed as a couple. Some need to be shelved with the memories, but I won't know what to keep and what to replace unless I trust God and face these fears. 
Keep stepping...keep trusting...

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7.  NLT

Oh God, I don't think my heart can withstand any more loss! I understand why folks guard them so tightly, especially the loosely bandaged ones.  Please don't make me open myself to another season of painful goodbyes; I've bled enough!
I'm crushed. I'm broad-sided once again.
I want to ask the "whys," but I'm not even sure You will answer.
All of my new dreams are shattered...I'm not building anymore.

I've been back from youth camp for several days and am still processing the days at Camp Eagle. It was definitely the most heart-breaking week since Rob's death. I had no idea how much collateral loss I would endure. Plunging head first into a deep dark pit, it's going to take some time with Jesus in order to recognize the blessings of the week. And there were...many!  I will share as I slowly let go of great pain. This may be my biggest test of choosing joy in the midst of loss and grief.