I allow myself a small pocket of sadness each anniversary and usually a pep talk about moving forward. I kind of linger, not wallow, in my blanket of memories and emerge on a brighter, hopeful side for the future. But, toss in a pandemic and twin storms eyeing the Gulf Coast...plus my inner war as an enneagram 6 personality laced with post-Harvey trauma and you have one mess of a girl. 

When paralysis and anxiety hit, I’ve learned to DIVE head first into the Scriptures. Stop everything and sit in them until peace and calm returns. It’s not an easy discipline with preparedness lists swarming around in my mind. 

But, poring over Scripture is always an adventure and often comes an Edison moment when Light shines on a passage. 

I wasn’t expecting this one:

Psalm 84:11

Hear it from the New Living Translation.

For the LORD God is our sun and our shield. He gives us grace and glory. The LORD will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right.

Life will always have a series of storms in the queue, but storms, meet my great God!

He is my Protector...Period! Battle for my mind, meet my Commander; He is my Grace!  He will pick me up when the lies press heavy and He will never withhold his goodness; I only need to offer my heart. He is the Son that calms the storm. 

        Yes, good gifts are lining up as well.

        

Today, I have trouble seeing and feeling God. On days like this, I must lean on what I know of Him, nothing else. 

He will not fail or leave us. Deut. 31:6

He love us with an everlasting love. Jeremiah 31:3

He heals and binds our wounded hearts. Psalm 147:3

He holds everything together. Colossians 1:17

He is picking up the shards of disappointment, chaos, brokenness, even while my senses are stunned.

Reflections on the anniversary of 9/11

Rob was in the air, towers were falling, I sat frozen with fear. Because he was working on a classified government project, I did not know where he was. He could have easily been traveling from the East Coast, so I waited and waited on this September day thirteen years ago. He landed in Portland, Oregon and we would not see him for days. Thankfully, his brother lived there so he was not alone during a time when our nation lay in turmoil. But, I remember how determined Rob was to get home to us; flights were canceled, rental cars nonexistent and he knew his family desperately needed him close by to feel whole and safe.  
Fast forward to this season of unrest and I'm reminded that when life brings great storms in my future (and it will,) I will never again lean on my husband, steadying my fears with his strength and presence. Memories don't grab arms and uphold scared women. 
But the great I AM does!
I love the beautiful picture in Isaiah 41. In verse 10, I see a righteous God, who always does the right thing all of the time, girds me with His powerful right hand, while simultaneously(vs.13) placing my trembling right hand in his fatherly left grasp.  
He upholds and doesn't let go!   And that's enough for me.

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.  Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you.  I will hold you up with my victorious right hand...For I hold you by your right hand, I, the LORD your God. And I say to you, Don't be afraid. I am here to help you. NLT

 

Rob claimed our walk-in closet early in our marriage.
You see he had a major t-shirt collection and therefore, needed a lot of room to organize his shirts by team, color, sport, school and so on...
You could often find him ducking into campus bookstores while traveling for work so he could purchase just one more college basketball shirt. Just one more...
Several months after his death, I began the bittersweet task of handling his clothes. I 
carefully packed his beloved collection to make future quilts for the family.  Camp Tallowood was looming and as I looked at the pile of tribe shirts from years past, I knew I needed to take a piece of Rob with me.  Well, it ended up more than a piece, didn't it?

My heart nearly broke the first evening when I began to put scissors to each shirt. "How can I be doing this? Rob should be wearing these; I shouldn't be ripping them apart like my heart!" But each cut got easier and I found a little healing with each seam.

Through tear-filled eyes, I managed to add heartfelt, personal messages that are forever hidden in the layers.

Rob arrived at our first year at Camp Eagle on crutches, one week postop after an Achilles tendon repair. Not the sanest thing he ever did, but he was not going to miss this new adventure! Needing the assistance of a four-wheeler, we waited on top of the mountain after the Thursday hike, gazing at the stars and hoping it would take a while for our vehicle to return. The clear sky was filled with stars that hung so low we thought we could reach up and touch them. We never forgot that miraculous night and always looked forward to God's handiwork each year.

As I arranged the colorful squares, I traveled through years of camp themes, memory verses, amazing students and co-sponsors, funny moments, holy moments. Oh, how I wished I could pack the Robisons, the Forehands, the Catings and so many more beautiful friends from years past along with this quilt that represented much more than yards of cotton. 

The piecing of Rob's shirts helped me say goodbye to the past; the final "tying off" step allowed me to focus solely on the present. Each night, as camp neared, I took the list of campers and sponsors and prayed for each participant as I secured the layers of the quilt with surgical knots. I think God was doing some stitching of His own on my broken heart. 

Camp week arrived and I carefully packed Rob's quilt along with the uncertainty of how I would make it through without him.  

At the end of each full day,  I crawled into my bottom bunk and covered my weary body and heart with  remnants of my precious husband's love affair with summer youth camp.  My dear friend, Debbie, wrote wise words in her beautiful post about the Comforter. She got it right; I was not only wrapped in Rob's t-shirts, but even more so in the love, protection, and provision of an amazing God.

I miss good morning kisses...I miss goodnight ones too and all the ones in between. All that love sealed with kiss after kiss...and now hidden deep in my heart.  
God fills such loss with new affection: six year old snuggles in the crook of my arm during worship, Rob's little darlings surprise me with hugs so sweet they almost break my heart, and college students drop any pretense and embrace like there's no tomorrow.   
Jesus people simply doing what comes natural...but for the griever...LIFE!

The fog is lifting...
Nerve endings are awakening; my heart beats pain!
Where do I run when I realize there's only half of me left?
I try to bury my face in soft tweed, still scented with Burberry cologne, but memories of a husband's comforting embrace and gentle words fade all too quickly. Reality stings once again.
There's only one cleft in which to hide, in the Rock who shelters me from a world in which I'm not ready to fly solo. His tender mercy holds longer than pain...longer than loneliness. 

Every year we cap off our 4th of July holiday with a walk to our neighborhood bayou to watch Lakeside Country Club's fireworks display. We spread out a blanket, lather ourselves with bug repellent and wait for the lights in the sky. Would it happen this year with Rob's pain and fatigue? If so, would it be the last time we would hold hands under the stars on the fourth?   Thankfully, He agreed to make the trip with Bobby, Denise, Jim and me and we enjoyed the best display we have ever seen from the club.
 Just before the finale, a single heart-shaped firework engraved the night sky and my hurting heart.  A God-whisper for me? "No matter what, I love you, my child. I won't leave or forsake you."  A precious gift from God.

The players chosen, no auditions needed.  Creation awaiting the Plan to unfold.
 Mary and Joseph, devoted though poor, headed for Bethlehem with little to spare. The counting of citizens, the return to a home, the promise of old  fulfilled by the LORD. A burden of taxes from a tyrant He used, to turn great oppression into ultimate good.
 Young nurturers of Deity stood silent that night and Mary pondered with wonder at the sight of her child. Only the Director knew for sure how the babe in the trough would restore all who loved Him  again to Himself.
Supporting characters provided; elements of surprise supplied. The angels all aglow worshiped the infant with gladness, but their chorus so splendid caused lonely shepherds to quake. Creation had commenced its celebration with zeal; even the stars sang their praises for the birth of the Child.

 Lowly caretakers of sheep played their part in the dark; carefully selected to first come and adore the small  King.  Discarded, shabby field crew felt at home in the barn; perhaps, the same way He calls each of us home.
The faithful, the poor, the forgotten chosen, but the Plan could not end without an invitation to all.
God cast some wise seekers, not accustomed to the Law, though they knew that a ruler would rise from His children. They followed a Star that took them afar until it reached a small house where the family called home. Were the Magi confused at the child's meek surroundings as they laid down their props or did they know without question they were offering gifts to the One?
First act completed; the audience all present.
The curtain reopens with a finale so grand, a work of redemption revealed for us all.

God's Love Letter to You

My Child,

I know everything about you, I know when you sit down and when you rise up. I am familiar with all of your ways, even the very hairs on your head are numbered. For you were made in my image, in me you live and move and have your being. For you are my offspring, I knew you even before you were conceived. I chose you when I planned creation. You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. You are fearfully and wonderfully made, I knit you together in your mother’s womb And brought you forth on the day you were born. I have been misrepresented by those who don’t know me. I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love And it is my desire to lavish my love on you simply because you are my child and I am your father. For I am the perfect father, every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. My plan for your future has always been filled with hope because I love you with an everlasting love. My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore and I rejoice over you with singing. I will never stop doing good to you for you are my treasured possession. I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul and I want to show you great and marvelous things. If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart for it is I who gave you those desires. I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine, for I am your greatest encourager. I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes and I’ll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth. I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus, for in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. He is the exact representation of my being. He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you and to tell you that I am not counting your sins. Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you. I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love. If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me and nothing will ever separate you from my love again. I have always been Father, and will always be Father. Come home and I’ll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen.

Love, Your Abba, Almighty God

Barry Adams


My Child, I know everything about you…Psalm 139:1
I know when you sit down and when you rise up…Psalm 139:2
I am familiar with all of your ways…Psalm 139:3
Even the very hairs on your head are numbered…Matthew 10:29-31
For you were made in my image…Genesis 1:27
In me you live and move and have your being…Acts 17:28
For you are my offspring…Acts 17:28
I knew you even before you were conceived…Jeremiah 1:4-5
I chose you when I planned creation…Ephesians 1:11-12

He's always watching you!

Invisible, yep, that's right...invisible!  That's how I've felt most of my life. Maybe you're like me and feel like nobody really knows the person inside. And even if they did, would they even care? Maybe if I had a great voice or I was cute and petite...then might they notice? Or is it just luck that drops us into the right crowd? Well, today I feel untalented, ugly and unlucky!
Elijah, the mighty prophet felt discouraged and depressed, even after a great mountain showdown. Why? He temporarily took his eyes off God and  then, he dove into fear, pity, and depression. But the amazing news is God never took His eyes off of Elijah. He offered him protection, rest, nourishment and a new purpose.
Sweet thing, you are not invisible to your God. He watches over you every moment of your life. He delights in you, sings over you and gives you worth. We don't earn His attention because of our success or looks. God sees only the heart.
It's not luck, sweet thing; it's love!