Yesterday, the six of us enjoyed an early celebration of Matthew’s sixth birthday. We ate all of his favorite foods and took turns telling our favorite thing about him and predicting what he would be when he grew up. I think he felt very special. Looking back over my photos of our busy day, I realized I had inserted an SD card of Rob’s last two weeks. Six years to the very day,  I had scrambled to get a cake for an early and only celebration of his upcoming birthday and captured this photo of a cancer-ravished man still trying to live to his fullest. He had only one wish: to see his grandson.

I try to read from CS Lewis each day. This morning’s thoughts from one of his letters might steer us away from a slippery slope and better yet, guide us closer to God. 

“The corruption of the first sinner consists not in choosing some evil thing (there are no evil things for him to choose) but in preferring a lesser good (himself) before a greater (God.)”

“Every choice reduces a little one’s freedom to choose the next time.”

Some choices are simply bad, harmful, but then there are those which prevent us from receiving God’s best.  It’s that second quote that really grabs my attention: every choice reduces our freedom to choose what is best the next time and the next...the slippery slope, the sneaky prison and before we know it, we are far removed from what God really wants for us. 

So we get to choose: the lesser good or the greater God. 

Blessings 

Yes...I disappeared over the summer. I was busy helping a friend publish a series of books on suicide and grief, moving my Sunday preschool class (many obstacles,) and preparing for this little of sweetness.  

Welcome to the World

Lucas Robert 

September 14, 2019

7lb. 7ou.    20 inches 

You are a joy! Your grandfather, your “Baba” and namesake, must be smiling from one side of Heaven to the other.

June’s almost over and I’ve glanced at this encouragement  in my hallway way too many times this month. And buried my head in the Truth pages, repeatedly  reminding myself I’m not alone; He lifts my head, my wings. 
But LORD, this is hard stuff to navigate. I’ve searched healthcare plans, home improvements, technology, finances. Sometimes, I just want to hand it off, glance over for a reassuring nod, make a decision together. I want another breathing human being to read the instructions alongside me or simply huff in unison when there are no clearcut steps. Learning curves bend easier when traveling in pairs. 
Yet, lessons have been learned: it’s okay for me to say no to more responsibility because solo decision-making takes energy and time, I don’t need to beat myself for not helping others every time I see a need (survival is my full-time mission) and sometimes, I just have to climb out on the shaky, scary limb. I think that’s called, Trust. 

I awake, knowing 6 years ago to this very day our family's lives changed forever. The surgeon summons me to the post-op conference room to deliver a death sentence. Cancer is everywhere and this seasoned veteran is sure it's pancreatic. The next few minutes spin out of control. Calls to our boys... "I need you here immediately." And then I must tell my anesthesia-fogged husband the news. No doctor will tell my beloved that he must get his affairs in order; I can't take away hope just yet. Of course, I know that will come soon enough.
 I shall never forget the tear forming in the corner of his eye and my frozen sons. "Oh, God, give me your strength to make those final calls?  My daughter has a two-week old. " How, God? Why, God? "  I call my son-in-law; I think I might vomit.  
 What does one do on an anniversary day like this? I clean the garage while there is a short respite from the heat; I scrub until my hands hurt almost as much as my remembering heart. I look up a lot, not asking why anymore, but with a tear forming in the corner of my eye.

 Recently, I’ve had to talk back to myself... a lot!
I think the anticipation of turning 65, retirement age, without my partner has crushed me. All of our dreams, our plans sit in a pile, threatening to steal the joy that I’ve so pleaded for during my bouts of loneliness and depression.
 Today, I remind myself: my most expensive real estate is my mind. I can’t let anything or anyone stay there for free and I must capture destructive thoughts the moment they check-in and leave them with Christ. 
Presently, I’m wrestling with the idea of not holding on to those who let go of me a long time ago...that includes my late husband. Releasing him proves the hardest as there was no obvious toxicity in our relationship. However, the truth remains: he did let me go as he prepared to depart from this life and begin beyond. 
My retirement plans (emphasis on mine) included total immersion into the world of grandkids! Close proximity, much spoiling and teaching, relief for tired parents...that was not anyone else’s plan. I can’t find fault for we, too, chose the same with our own parents. It’s just harder on this end, isn’t it? And eternity together seems a long way off. What looms heaviest is they might forget my love for them. How will I leave a legacy they can touch?  
So much for rambling in the dark...in a strange manner, I welcome this painful season; I’m confident  this constant renewal of my mind is vital to an ongoing, growing walk with my Lord. 

 

Forgiveness and Grace

Funny, how when you open yourself to your social circle, spilling your random thoughts, God goes right to work on you.
 During the last post,  I shared that I wondered if forgiveness might free another to see themself as God does: loved by grace. I’ve been struggling with forgiveness for someone for a good while. This broken (aren’t we all) person continues to make choices that cause a growing ripple of hurt and destruction; it’s  hard to hold on to hope. When I asked God how I should pray, He whispered, just ask me this: God, shed your grace on my broken person.
So, in obedience, I’ve been doing just that.  It’s a powerful prayer, just as it has been through the decades as we have prayerfully sung America, America, God shed your grace on thee. 
And then comes the waiting and trusting...
Today just happens to be the National Day of Prayer for our country; let’s offer that same prayer for her...and then trust.