Recently I’ve been posting a link to my entries on FB, but I’ve been uncomfortable with that. I never want someone to think I’m promoting myself. My writing has always been honest and sometimes very  raw. I love that God has used my story to speak to many of you around the world. For now I’m suspending my posts and asking God if He can still use my thoughts. Much love and prayers!

8 months later...

Don't push that publish button! Good thing I reconsidered, because my last uncensored post would have brought a mighty rescue team to my doorstep. 
My desperation over relentless Harvey decisions has caught up with me once again, but this time I can't dismiss it. I'm staring at depression and the soul bullies are madly at work; what has unleashed them?
Two giants: comparison and loneliness.
My builders are amazing! Their craftsmanship is impeccable, they build great things. But they are also sensitive to a woman trying to restore on a fixed income. They've saved my countertops, mended tile, found fixtures that haven't robbed my bank account. They've worked miracles and I will move into a beautiful, updated home that's perfect for the neighborhood and most importantly, me. So why do I find myself comparing my rebuild to the ones I see on social media? The gorgeous chandeliers, staircases, high end appliances... It's simple; I've invited in the comparison monster. You might say that's just human nature, I say it's a debilitating danger.  I almost lost sight of the original goal: restoration. (and yet, sometimes something extraordinary and new and better springs forth in putting the broken back together.)
 Thankfully, I have a great plan of action to fight this nasty bully: gratitude, name each provision one by one. It always licks the enemies.
However, I'm clueless how to fight goliath loneliness.
The isolation of living in an efficiency for eight months has taken its toll. And if I might be terribly honest, I feel like I've also lost my family in the storm. But most painful, the silence of Rob's absence is deafening. If you've walked the loss of the one who completes you, you will understand that no activity or friend ever quenches the thirst for your lost partner. We attempt to fill the void, but it's temporary.  Of course, I understand that only God truly satisfies, but He also recognizes our need for human intimacy. The trauma of Harvey has increased my need for someone to help share the highs and lows of this uninvited chapter.  So have the endless decisions!
So those soul bullies keep chipping away. What's wrong with you? Why can't you hang on to the ones you most love? Why are you so weak and indecisive? Where's your faith?  As my father in law used to quip about thoughts, "Your bees are swarming." So they are, Dad, and sometimes they sting. 
I don't have my routine wrap up today.  No angle, no wit. I just know I must walk this journey of loneliness for which I have so little understanding. I hate to camp here long, but I'll stay and listen and learn so it can be used, just like the other hard things.

His Goodness

Rebuilding is not for the fainthearted. There's a flurry of activity at my house this week. Dust is flying along with buzzing of saws and popping of nail guns. An amazing pantry is almost finished and there are new baseboards taller than the waters that invaded my home seven months ago. We are at the point where I must choose a paint color.  Who knew gray could be so complicated?
Just as I think I can't make one more wonderful decision, another one comes my way today. It appears I might have room to make one or two more upgrades. (Shh...can't give away the surprises all at once.)
Driving home this evening, my head still spinning, I had this consuming thought: But God, I don't deserve all this goodness. I just don't deserve all this beauty.  
My dear friend, Jan, had just given me an hour long pep talk and I was still drowning in guilt.

 I just don't deserve all this goodness!

And wouldn't you know it, I heard it, that audible God-whisper that shouts deep! 

No, you don't deserve it.

You don't deserve anything!

I just want to gift you. I love you and want this for you. Please accept my gift. Please let Me love you. Just be grateful, my child.   Yes, it's Me...God

If you know me well, you know extravagance is not my style. I'm frugal; I live simply. Past remodels, even the necessary ones, were difficult for me, because...well, I just don't think I deserve them. They were usually  completed with a huge dose of the reluctance and some never began because someone else had better need of the funds.  This is foreign territory for me, folks.   Very foreign!

But these days, when God speaks, I listen well.

So tomorrow, I will walk in the house and give God the praise He deserves for his lavish gift. I'm going to let Him smother me with all his goodness.

All this blessing: a construction team that is clearly His hands and feet, friends that love me through all my quirkiness and indecision, manna from unexpected sources, a newly resurrected rose bush that reminds me of my Rob who shared this space with me. He would have been very grateful of all this goodness.

He led me to a place of safety;
    he rescued me because he delights in me.

Psalm 18:19

Thin Places

I love the smell of freshly cut wood, I love the smell of progress! Demo is complete, doors are hung, and cabinet framing has begun. The kitchen plans are clean and simple, much like the desire for my new chapter.
I stepped into one of those thin places yesterday.
Standing alone in a bare, dusty shell of my former den, I found it hard to distinguish heaven from earth for a few beautiful moments. God was so present and I was so grateful. I wasn't concerned with keeping up with the neighbors, I was simply basking in the goodness of a caring Father.  Grateful that He carries me...goes before me...protects me in the details. Free from the demon of comparison...just a delighted child showered with exactly what she needs.
For the past few weeks I've found myself grieving the rustic Hill Country home that we'll never own during our retirement years.  Yesterday, I realized this restored home is his better plan. 
Complete joy and peace in the places we meet and trust God.

What Now

"Getting enmeshed in a resisting “no” and in the unanswerable “why me?” is a recipe for self-inflicted suffering." David Malham-ALS patient/former grief therapist.

 "No" will return, making infrequent visits, but I must not feed them. 
Focus on the What Now.
I've never questioned the blessings. Why should I question the trials?
There is an appointed time for everything. 
It's time to heal.

Reset

I'll be returning home in a few weeks. Nothing will be the same. It won't be filled with my plans, my things, my people.
How does a 60-something on her own begin again after a devastating blow?
I planned to be a full-time, hands-on grandma with a full-time grandpa by my side in a house filled with Lego's and tea parties. I've been filling that bucket for a long time, but the reality keeps draining my dream.
Others look at their bright side of my reconstruction; please look at it through my life!
I can't find any gleaming redemption today.

There are only two alternatives: give up or reset.

Most of you know I'm brave enough to speak real and raw . There's always someone hanging by a thread who needs their ugly validated...who needs a fellow valley traveler.
One reader finds a local furniture shop specializing in one of a kind global pieces; she's ambushed once again, grieving the collection she amassed while working abroad.  She wanders the store, tears flowing, wanting more than her memories, wanting her own treasures to welcome her home.

I want my living, breathing treasures.

Then God whispers...or does He shout?  
A man without a home stops this "pitty partier" right dead in her tracks with one simple exclamation. 

Life is a gift...everyday, life is a gift!

And I realize I can't reset until I swallow whole this truth.
I've stopped counting the gifts...yet, there are so many to name.
I have a pulse; somewhere there's a new purpose.
I inhaled and exhaled first thing this morning; God will breathe life into my new home. 
My wise friend only dreams of four walls and a roof over his head, I've been gifted with a real live house!

Reset...
Get up! Give thanks! Leave the rest to God.

I tell you, get up, pick up your mat, and go home.

Mark 2:11

Twin Fruit

So God looked on the Israelites and was concerned about them. Exodus 2:25 NIV

The LORD said, "I have indeed seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned about their suffering. Exodus 3:7 NIV

So the people believed; and when they heard that the LORD was concerned about the sons of Israel and that He had seen their affliction, then they bowed low and worshiped. 4:31 NASB

Planning for an upcoming retreat, I ran across the word concern throughout the story of Moses.  The verb (paqad-cared enough to visit) intrigued me. After a rather lengthy search on the topic, leading me to the fruit of the Spirit, I am learning kindness and goodness can't be easily separated. 

You just can't have kindness (chrestotes -tender concern) without goodness (agathousune-uprightness of heart and life.)

Kindness is a tender(concerned) heart that naturally leads to goodness: kindness in action. 

Pretty heavy stuff when you think about it. If we are following the heart of God, we can't have passive concern. We act upon it. 

It's a lot more than manners; it's a matter of the heart.

Throughout Scripture, God repeats his deep concern for the heart of man: the spirit, the attitude, the motivation behind our actions. David writes that 'God searches every heart and understands every motive behind the thoughts.' (1 Chronicles 28:9)

So what is the state of my heart as I prepare for Easter?

What heart condition has God found in me that needs repair and remorse? Does He find delight in a heart in sync with His?  During this Lenten season, what kind of heart would you ask Him to create in you? A tender or pure heart...a giving or even, forgiving one?

Did you catch create in you in the last paragraph?  This whole twin fruit kind of living is a supernatural thing; we cannot attain it on our own. Paul testifies, "but it is Christ who lives in me." Galatians 2:20  As with all of the fruits of the Spirit, we must be filled so we can be emptied. The character of Christ flowing from us...Did you know generosity is a huge outpouring of these two fruits? Without Christ living in us, how quickly do our open hands fold into tightly clinched fists? Without a constant filling of the Spirit, our heart grows stingy.

Will you join me in asking the Lord to fill us with tender concern for others as we approach Passover and Holy Easter Week?

Surely goodness and loving kindness shall follow me all the days of my life...Psalm 23:6 KJV