Post op day five

This fairly routine surgery has unleashed something terribly unsettling inside me:

raging 

fear and anxiety!

I've bravely walked through many past surgeries, some quite complicated and risky, but this one is teaching me what I hate most about myself:

raging

fear and anxiety!

Every sensation paralyzes me; there is no peace. 

Am I scared of losing my sight or am I really scared of losing my way?

I miss Rob and his unwavering support.

He would know just how to calm the "medical ocd" that runs through my brain, he'd gently rinse the shampoo so I could protect my eye, he'd walk through surgery #2, the one I dread now.

Bottom line...I grieve, I grieve deep, knowing there will most likely never be family at my side as I grow old and collect more health issues.

Why can't I trust God alone?

Where is my faith?

Look at the friends who patiently travel with me! Is that not enough proof of His provision?

Why can't I let go of

raging 

fear and anxiety?

Wealth, fame, success...my life has never been built on these virtues.  I've always thought each was as fickle as Texas weather; none stood a chance against Jesus.
But marriage was another thing. Each anniversary added another solid plank on which to live. My husband was my life, my happiness, my security. 
One Tuesday night nearly nine years ago, I sat in a sanctuary filled with hundreds of women, studying the Book of Esther.  Our teacher, Beth Moore, read the heroine's famous statement, If I perish, I perish and then posed a question that sucked the air out of my lungs. 
" So what is your 'If, then what?'"
In other words, What is your greatest fear and who are you going to trust with it?
I didn't hear anything else after that question.  I knew immediately my biggest, earth-shaking fear was the unthinkable loss of my husband; I'd struggled with it most of my married life to the point of great anxiety.    Could I live without him? How would I survive?...the very questions I asked almost a decade later when he was diagnosed with stage IV cancer. Holding on with all my might, I knew I was in clear danger of making Rob my lifeboat!  I did some fierce business with Jesus that night as I waited for the crowd to disperse. Naming my fear and giving it over to his care was one of the hardest things I've ever done. So if, then what...  If Rob dies, then Jesus will catch me! In fact, He has already held me all along and not once, has He ever let go of me...no, not ever.  I choose to trust Him for He is the only foundation that is truly indestructible.
Looking back, I realize He was preparing me for the eventual end of a beautiful marriage, a relationship I came near to trusting as my sure footing.  As I shared in yesterday's post, I knew in the first quaking moments of hearing those profound words, terminal cancer, that Christ would not only catch me, but carry me through the darkest, loneliest season of my life.
Love has won, the solid, unchangeable love of my Savior.  Only Jesus...everything else is sinking sand.

Where do we run...where do we hide?

Storms surround us on this dreary Monday morning.

We yearn for a safe place to lay down our burdens, our brokenness.

Armies, viruses, spiraling markets shatter our shallow security...Chemo packs and work loads, too heavy to carry alone... 

Take shelter in the strength of the Unshakable One. 

Leave today's squalls with the Protector, the One we are convinced can keep all that we entrust.

Take cover and rest.

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. Psalm 91:1

...for I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that he is able to keep that which I have committed unto him against that day. 2 Timothy1:12

It should have been me

I already hear the thoughtful comments in response to this very honest post. I know that my musing will seem irrational, but I know there is another soul out there who has felt the same way during their loss.
It should have been me...Guilt!
My children shared much more with Rob: music, sports, business world.
He was easy...they just liked him...he had more resources to help them with life. 
Friends miss their lunch partner, their team mate on the court, their "go-to" when they need advice.
Siblings lost their big brother; I'm a sad substitute for a man everyone loved to like.
I try to keep Rob present so they don't miss him so much. Do they miss me? I'm still present and miss them. 
I can't be their Rob. I'm not as likable, but I pray I'm still lovable...Scared! 
They might be wishing it would have been me.

Packing for one...deep sadness.
It's not like I've never traveled by myself before. I remember the time I went out early for Lindsay's wedding. I packed the ingredients for Laura Bush's cowboy cookies because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to find them in San Diego. Really? I wore flour for days! I can navigate Reagan National and the D.C. Metro with my eyes closed.
 But it's different now. Rob's not going to meet me or be here when I get home; there will be no late night calls to recap the day; he will not rescue me when I mess up. 
I want to cancel and hide in the safety of my four walls. I won't, but...
I already hear "It'll be good for you." and "Rob would want you to." Perhaps...but this new anxiety swallows me...I didn't plan this!  Trips to see the grands were  going to be duets; I hate solo! 
Suitcase almost full...can't forget to pack trust and courage and peace for the journey.

Another financial meeting this morning... My son has to take more time off to accompany me. 
Oh God, I feel like a huge liability! Why can't I get these things on my own? It would have been easier on the kids if I had gone home first. 

All I know to do is to trust the Psalmist' words and cast my burden on my Father. I love how Matthew Henry explains Psalm 55:22: "To cast our burden upon God, is to rest upon his providence and promise. And if we do so, he will carry us in the arms of his power, as a nurse carries a child, and will strengthen our spirits by his Spirit, so they can sustain the trial."   LORD, You carry my heavy load a lot better than I or my children can and to You, I'm never a liability. You promise to carry me through this meeting, sustain me and be my Wisdom! I'm resting on that today. 

Last night, I dreamed about Rob for the first time since his death. I couldn't reach him; not too hard to interpret that one.
 Tears flowed all day...I suspect that is good grief.
 Fear continues to grip me.  Fear not, fear not, fear not beating hard in my chest...hiding those scriptures deep down.
I've heard that the greatest fear of widowhood is the fear of living. Sounds crazy, but I'm fighting it hard. It's really the fear of life's unknowns, all the "ifs" I certainly did not elect. 
"Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you."
So I'm wondering, God...do your Words really boil down to blind trust? Is it okay for me to shake a little as long as I place that first step in line with You? Is this courage you require really the act of ceding a very human emotion into your "more than able" Hands?

I am so scared tonight! This could be the last time I pack our infusion bag and as much as I hate going to the hospital, I would welcome the long days over the alternative. This is too real; wake me from this nightmare. God have mercy on Rob and me so I will not endure sorrow. (Philippians 2:25-30.) I can't imagine life without him. Please reach down and breath life into his organs!