And with the stroke of a pen, my husband's name has disappeared from the final account...no trace. I thought I was ready, but my hand shook as I scrawled my messy signature across the form...and I fought back a tsunami of tears once again.
The day was filled with hourly giants, waiting for their slaying. It was stinking hard today and new enemies are always poised! Does anybody grasp how this feels?
But at the end of this gut-wrenching day, my youngest son cradles my heart from 2000 miles away.  If he only knew, he would cup carefully with both hands, corralling every single shard. If he only knew, he would see the magnitude of his evening gift.
I'll weep tonight and then hoist up my flimsy bravery all over again tomorrow.
Rob, if you can hear my heart tonight, please know you cannot be so easily erased. 

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) 

e.e. cummings

Things I've learned this week: If the water rises higher, I think I might just have to swim, you're with me wherever I go; the light that you left me will everglow, sometimes you have to push the pedal to the ground and watch the world around fly by.

Thanks, Hurray for the Riff Raff, Coldplay, and Mat Kearney, my Oregon boy, for this week's lessons.

 I started this little writing experience a few weeks ago and I'm amazed at the lessons I'm learning. They are all around us if we will just look for them. Kind of like gratitude. I carry a small notebook with me throughout the day; it's already half full of new lessons and old reminders.

Along with this new discipline, I started a new morning routine (thanks to my friend, Maurine.) I'm only two days in, but already I'm loving it.  Here is the list that gets me going every morning.

1. Deeply breathe in and out the beautiful name of Jesus.

2. Write down three acts of gratitude.

3. Journal one positive experience from yesterday.

4. Express kindness through a text or email.

5. Read a portion of a praise Psalm.

6. Exercise for about 15 minutes.

This daily routine is supposed to increase my productivity and positivity, which I need, but honestly, I really desire to begin my day with praise on my heart. I've altered it from the 5 step secular format; let me elaborate.

Years ago, my dear friend, Jerome, challenged our youth team to start each day with speaking the name of Jesus...first name off our lips. He said it would vastly change the entire focus of our day.

I decided to add a Psalm reading as a sixth exercise, but not just any one. For this purpose, I want only positive words from David, the greatest song writer I know. The Book of Psalms is also filled with instruction and darker emotions; I just want to focus on His character in these short moments. I've added One Minute Praises by Steve Miller, which includes short scripture from the psalms and an uplifting prayer.

I'm putting together a playlist of uplifting music to accompany my exercise. I've chosen dance to get me going.

Seriously, the steps take 2 minutes each and I combine my 15 minute dance with brushing my teeth, emptying trash, making my bed. 

May I challenge you to join Maurine and me?   I've got to run and catch up on this week's Bible Study homework, Gideon by Priscilla Shirer. Oh, that's another post for another time. 

Things I've learned this week: there's quite a difference between moving on and moving forward, I need to allow my life to reflect the joy and happiness I felt in my marriage, there is always a second half!

This week I've learned...

For years I've recorded my gratitude...in worn journals, on scraps of paper, on my palm! It's helps me to worship God in good as well as bad times. 
But recently, I've wanted to remember the important (and not so) things that I've discovered throughout the week. It started as a writing experiment and quickly turned into something much more intentional, a means of making sense of the input that bombards me on a given day. Perhaps you've seen Mom's Five Second Memory Journal or One Line A Day...similar concept.
I choose three things and as a challenge, I list them in succinct sentence.  Only in my journal do I add extra details of what led me to record them, but publicly, I don't want to rob the statement of its simplicity and symbolism...kind of like a well-stated "tweet."  
I'm planning (oh, those well-laid plans) to add them here on a regular basis. How fun it would be if you would send back your own "lessons" in a sentence in the comment section below. You don't need to sound like a writer; just be honest and if you like, anonymous.
As you'll see below, I added a reference to a song I downloaded several weeks ago. (For the over 50 crowd to whom I belong, Chainsmokers is a band.) I really like their song, Don't Let Me Down and the lyric, right now I need a miracle. My simple statement about chain smokers is actually multi-layered. I'm reminded of  the following: even those with whom we disagree need God's grace, I'm daily begging for His intervention, I wish Rob was here to help me make the important decisions, and even deeper, my relationship with my mom, who died because of this gripping nicotine habit, remains complicated.  There's no way you could have caught all of that, but that's the idea; you make it your own "lesson."
So here goes...

Week One
Things I've learned this week: After 2 eye surgeries, 2 eye procedures and a ton of eye drops, gently tilting the bottle improves the aim (no need for a vertical dive bomb to the pupil,) The Guess Who's "These Eyes" is still very relevant, and fixing my eyes not on what is only temporarily seen, but rather on what is unseen and eternal is great Truth. 

Week Two
Things I've learned this week: Even chainsmokers need a miracle, we need not always keep our "broken" so unspoken, young widows will look heavenward for what seems a lifetime.

Week Three
Things, I've learned this week: we can take a good thing and turn it into an ultimate thing*, there are no shortcuts to sanctification, and when in doubt, just show up! (*Tim Keller's Counterfeit God)

Well, now you have it: a great big run-on explanation from someone who rarely puts down her pen.  

Your turn...

I must be progressing. Oh, I still wiped away a few tears, but I bet a few of you did too if you watched last night's Super Bowl LI. Watching President Bush and Barbara wheeled out on the field for the coin toss, an aging quarterback's eyes glisten with victory, and young, hard-working athletes lined up to kiss their Lombardi Trophy...well, I admit, it made me misty-eyed. 
But this year I didn't cry my eyes out because of my broken heart. Oh sure, I missed watching the game with Rob, but I actually enjoyed it alone this year. Alone is not always lonely...as it has been in the recent past. 
Lady Gaga! I'm not a big fan and could not even name one of her songs, but I know enough about her career to recognize the evolution. I thoroughly enjoyed her half-time performance; she showed the world a newfound maturity with her toned-down image, yet, she hasn't lost an ounce of her creative expression. I believed her when she reminded us, pointing to the heavens,  that we are "one nation under God." The girl's got some moxie, for sure...lots of courage! It got me to thinking; do we need courage to change or does courage come from the change? 
Three years ago, I skipped the Super Bowl all together. Too painful without Rob at my side, but the next two years, I eased back into it as well as the other things that made us happy as a couple. Yes, it took some "moxie" and seemed unlikely to ever bring back joy, but I set my mind on recapturing the good parts of our life, albeit solo.
Last night wasn't a party, but an evening filled with contentment. I loved the patriotism, the spirit of family and my hometown, catching myself smiling a lot!  I munched on delicious homemade nacho dip and chips, occasionally chatted online with family and cheered like crazy for the best comeback in Super Bowl history. 
You know, I think I'm making a comeback as well...

I care deeply about current politics, but I love my country and its people far too much to enter into futile dialogue any longer. I've tried to have thoughtful conversations about policy, listening to the concerns of both sides of our divided country. I've attempted to be the voice of reason, but to no avail. Too many people, even those close to me, refuse to listen to any argument that differs from theirs. And no one, on either side, likes to be "preached at."  Social media is no longer my friend; I don't want to sit on the sidelines and watch good people war with their words or the opinions of talking heads. It grieves me to see God cheapened by our sarcasm and hate talk.  I even find myself dreading family and church gatherings; the tension is just too great!
 I personally believe that most of us just don't have a handle on all of the facts. Each issue is complicated and cannot be solved with a knee-jerk solution or a hard ideology. True wisdom understands this; true wisdom humbles our response.
Have I given up? Will I crawl under the covers for the next four years?  Of course, not! I just will not publicly discuss politics any longer! Instead...

I will offer kindness and prayer.

I suppose to many I sound like Pollyanna, but I'm actually more concerned with God's opinion of me. 

This morning I spent time digesting a passage from Proverbs 16.

 The wise are known for their understanding, and pleasant words are persuasive.

 Discretion is a life-giving fountain to those who possess it, but discipline is wasted on fools. 

 From a wise mind comes wise speech; the words of the wise are persuasive. 

 Kind words are like honey— sweet to the soul and healthy for the body. 

 There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death. 

 It is good for workers to have an appetite; an empty stomach drives them on. 

 Scoundrels create trouble; their words are a destructive blaze. 

 A troublemaker plants seeds of strife; gossip separates the best of friends. 

 Violent people mislead their companions, leading them down a harmful path. 

 With narrowed eyes, people plot evil; with a smirk, they plan their mischief. 

 Gray hair is a crown of glory; it is gained by living a godly life. 

Better to be patient than powerful; better to have self-control than to conquer a city.

 We may throw the dice, but the LORD determines how they fall. 21-33 NLT

Look at how many times our speech is addressed and look at the last verse; the LORD is still in control! I don't believe that scripture discourages our freedom of speech, but instead, reminds us that we should recognize the responsibility that comes with freedom. So...

I will speak kind words.

If they are not life-giving and healthy to the body of humanity, I'll remain silent and... 

Pray

During the last administration, I studied Paul's letters to young Timothy. I was not in the practice of daily praying for our leaders, but the first three verses in 1Timothy 2 completely changed that.

I urge, then, first of all, that petitions, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for all people for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness. This is good, and pleases God our Savior, NIV

It's pretty simple; if it pleases God, just do it! It's pretty hard to hate someone for whom you pray each day. Prayer changes our hearts, even for our enemies. And most importantly, I believe prayer changes even the direst of situations.

I know this isn't articulate or earth-shaking, but something I needed to write down as a contract with myself. Replace politics with kindness and prayer.  That's all, folks...

Sometimes, I find myself in this strange limbo.
My last post reflects this state of uncertainty. I received a startling text on New Year's Day, my financial advisor was moving on and I had a hard decision to make: move with him or chart a new course. That would mean uncomfortable interviews with people much smarter than me and getting a handle on my portfolio so I could determine the best strategy. I hate numbers, I hate anything business-related, and sometimes I plain hate change! But as my good friend, Alice, says: Sometimes we need to be the only adult in the room.
Let's face it; it's less scary looking back and camping in the past, but it's not very healthy when one is flying solo.
I received this encouragement this morning from www.anewseason.net. I hope it's helpful for anyone facing an about-face change.

Erica Kosal, PhD is an author, biology professor and mom to two young children. Erica lost her husband in June of 2014 after six years of fighting neurological chronic Lyme disease with overlapping ALS symptoms.  Erica has written two books that highlight her relationship with Christ and the power of the inner human spirit.  By writing, Erica has found comfort.  By spending time in nature, Erica has found strength.  And by spending time with her children, Erica has found love.  

---

But Lot’s wife looked back

as she was following behind him,

and she turned into a pillar of salt.  

Genesis 19:26 NLT

I’m living, but my past is dead.  My spouse Jim died two and a half years ago and, of course, nothing is the same.  I look back and remember him, aching for his presence, but at the same time, I know I need to look forward and to the future, moving in the right direction for my children.  

This is a tricky combination.  I know I cannot sit in the past and become stuck in the sadness of Jim’s no longer being here, but I also want to honor him, keep him in our conversations, and include Jim in our lives as much as possible.  

As I reflect on this dichotomy my mind returns over and over to Lot’s wife.  Living in Sodom, Lot and his family lived among some very bad people and finally God had enough.  Angels warned Lot to take his wife and two daughters and flee the land without looking back as Sodom and Gomorrah were to be destroyed.  As the family ran, only Lot’s wife looked back, and she turned into a pillar of salt.  

Obeying God is important as the story told in Genesis reminds us, but I also think that this is an illustration of what can happen if we concentrate too much on the past.  What consequences might come our way if we do not trust God to take us out of harm’s way and give us a future.  If we try to return to our past, when we know we cannot, we can destroy ourselves.  Longing for the past, looking behind, rather than trusting to move forward, can cause us to become frozen and paralyzed.  Sometimes when I feel like I cannot move forward because it is too overwhelming, I draw to this story.  I have to move forward and obey God who is telling me to raise my kids to know Him, to trust Him that my future will be safe, and that a home will be present.  God placed me and my two children in this position, and I have to trust that someday it will be clear why the events of my life unfolded as they did.  In the meantime, I run to the hills with my family in tow and know that if I look back without trust of moving forward, I too can be consumed with grief without finding value in my current life.  I do need to remember Jim and honor him, but I cannot stay stuck in my old life.  My new life calls.

God, I pray that all women who are feeling stuck and find themselves returning to memories of their old life without being able to move forward can be shown Your love in a way around them that reminds them to trust You and to move forward in faith.  I pray that we can honor our late husbands and always cherish the memories we have without becoming consumed by wanting our old lives too much.  Help us move forward and see our futures as ones with meaning and hope.  In Jesus’ name I pray.  Amen.  

 So there you have it. I'm still trying to figure out how to honor and remember Rob and the beautiful life we shared, but move through my new life with bold trust.  With the help of my great God, I've hired a new advisor, gained a new understanding of my portfolio and climbed another emotional mountain, all in a matter of days. Just as the market resets, so will I. I'll glance back, realize I can't stay there, and march forward.