Everglow...
It's the word I borrow from Chris Martin to describe that mixture of sadness and joy that comes from having something (or someone) really wonderful in your life, but now that it's over, you move forward filled with the sweetness that ever glows.
Today, I'm left with the everglow of my favorite weekend of the year, my church's annual family retreat. I wish I could recapture the weekend through photos, but family privacy is always a priority. 
Every year, I pause at the chapel and relive a thousand memories of past camps, retreats, July 4th weekends, thanking God for so many wonderful times with family and church friends. I always laugh at the time I sat on one of the old concrete benches and it broke in half.  It took a long time to live that one down! I smile at the thought of sweet Autumn babysitting our littles in one of the old musty motel rooms while we laughed until we hurt with our precious group of young marrieds. And like an old family movie running through my mind, I can almost see Rob leading our kids on horses around the corral, teaching them to jump into the lake from a rigged up rope, and playing the piano in the little white chapel during our Sunday morning worship time. 

Camp Tejas 

Each year I have the privilege of teaching the pre-K/Kindergarten class during breakout sessions for the adults. It's always so fun and a lot crazy. This year they loved making their own expression of Love.

My favorite activity was a sensory walk to help them understand how "dirty, stinky, smelly, yucky" the disciples' feet would have been after traveling dusty roads by foot and just how beautiful it was for Jesus to kneel before each of his closest friends, washing their battered and repulsive feet before eating their last supper together. Oh yes, you guessed it; we knelt before each little eager learner, called them by name while wiping their pint-sized feet, and by example, taught them this extraordinary love story.

This is Love

The weekend was full of fun: kids ziplining with their moms, friends romping in the mud pit, lathering shaving cream on each other, eating picnic style, and most importantly, families of all ages drawing closer and making lasting memories.

I'll admit, it was hard to come home to a quiet, empty house after such a lively time, but I packed all those priceless memories to keep me company.

Do you ever have one of those moments when you know without a doubt that God created it just for you? Saturday night was one of those gifts.

We were enjoying family movie night, featuring the animated version of Beauty and the Beast on the big screen, complete with ice cream floats. I had not watched this classic in years, but found myself singing along. 

Lights raised, credits rolling, I was caught! Tears just streaming down my cheeks. My dear friend, Mark B.,  locked eyes with me and smiled, and in that beautiful pause, he affirmed that tears after a love story are a gift to treasure. We both knew; the message of transformation and sacrificial love brings deep gratitude. 

But he didn't know of the many nights we gathered around Rob's piano to sing our assigned parts as Rob played the score he so loved. I didn't realize the power of those family memories.  

So if you have stuck with me this far, here's my weekly list of lessons.

Things I've learned this week(end):

Family is not always blood, sometimes the best worship is climbing tall towers with two little boys, and always model kindness.

Family Retreat 2018

Save me a place!

And with the stroke of a pen, my husband's name has disappeared from the final account...no trace. I thought I was ready, but my hand shook as I scrawled my messy signature across the form...and I fought back a tsunami of tears once again.
The day was filled with hourly giants, waiting for their slaying. It was stinking hard today and new enemies are always poised! Does anybody grasp how this feels?
But at the end of this gut-wrenching day, my youngest son cradles my heart from 2000 miles away.  If he only knew, he would cup carefully with both hands, corralling every single shard. If he only knew, he would see the magnitude of his evening gift.
I'll weep tonight and then hoist up my flimsy bravery all over again tomorrow.
Rob, if you can hear my heart tonight, please know you cannot be so easily erased. 

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) 

e.e. cummings

Things I've learned this week: If the water rises higher, I think I might just have to swim, you're with me wherever I go; the light that you left me will everglow, sometimes you have to push the pedal to the ground and watch the world around fly by.

Thanks, Hurray for the Riff Raff, Coldplay, and Mat Kearney, my Oregon boy, for this week's lessons.

 I started this little writing experience a few weeks ago and I'm amazed at the lessons I'm learning. They are all around us if we will just look for them. Kind of like gratitude. I carry a small notebook with me throughout the day; it's already half full of new lessons and old reminders.

Along with this new discipline, I started a new morning routine (thanks to my friend, Maurine.) I'm only two days in, but already I'm loving it.  Here is the list that gets me going every morning.

1. Deeply breathe in and out the beautiful name of Jesus.

2. Write down three acts of gratitude.

3. Journal one positive experience from yesterday.

4. Express kindness through a text or email.

5. Read a portion of a praise Psalm.

6. Exercise for about 15 minutes.

This daily routine is supposed to increase my productivity and positivity, which I need, but honestly, I really desire to begin my day with praise on my heart. I've altered it from the 5 step secular format; let me elaborate.

Years ago, my dear friend, Jerome, challenged our youth team to start each day with speaking the name of Jesus...first name off our lips. He said it would vastly change the entire focus of our day.

I decided to add a Psalm reading as a sixth exercise, but not just any one. For this purpose, I want only positive words from David, the greatest song writer I know. The Book of Psalms is also filled with instruction and darker emotions; I just want to focus on His character in these short moments. I've added One Minute Praises by Steve Miller, which includes short scripture from the psalms and an uplifting prayer.

I'm putting together a playlist of uplifting music to accompany my exercise. I've chosen dance to get me going.

Seriously, the steps take 2 minutes each and I combine my 15 minute dance with brushing my teeth, emptying trash, making my bed. 

May I challenge you to join Maurine and me?   I've got to run and catch up on this week's Bible Study homework, Gideon by Priscilla Shirer. Oh, that's another post for another time. 

Things I've learned this week: there's quite a difference between moving on and moving forward, I need to allow my life to reflect the joy and happiness I felt in my marriage, there is always a second half!

This week I've learned...

For years I've recorded my gratitude...in worn journals, on scraps of paper, on my palm! It's helps me to worship God in good as well as bad times. 
But recently, I've wanted to remember the important (and not so) things that I've discovered throughout the week. It started as a writing experiment and quickly turned into something much more intentional, a means of making sense of the input that bombards me on a given day. Perhaps you've seen Mom's Five Second Memory Journal or One Line A Day...similar concept.
I choose three things and as a challenge, I list them in succinct sentence.  Only in my journal do I add extra details of what led me to record them, but publicly, I don't want to rob the statement of its simplicity and symbolism...kind of like a well-stated "tweet."  
I'm planning (oh, those well-laid plans) to add them here on a regular basis. How fun it would be if you would send back your own "lessons" in a sentence in the comment section below. You don't need to sound like a writer; just be honest and if you like, anonymous.
As you'll see below, I added a reference to a song I downloaded several weeks ago. (For the over 50 crowd to whom I belong, Chainsmokers is a band.) I really like their song, Don't Let Me Down and the lyric, right now I need a miracle. My simple statement about chain smokers is actually multi-layered. I'm reminded of  the following: even those with whom we disagree need God's grace, I'm daily begging for His intervention, I wish Rob was here to help me make the important decisions, and even deeper, my relationship with my mom, who died because of this gripping nicotine habit, remains complicated.  There's no way you could have caught all of that, but that's the idea; you make it your own "lesson."
So here goes...

Week One
Things I've learned this week: After 2 eye surgeries, 2 eye procedures and a ton of eye drops, gently tilting the bottle improves the aim (no need for a vertical dive bomb to the pupil,) The Guess Who's "These Eyes" is still very relevant, and fixing my eyes not on what is only temporarily seen, but rather on what is unseen and eternal is great Truth. 

Week Two
Things I've learned this week: Even chainsmokers need a miracle, we need not always keep our "broken" so unspoken, young widows will look heavenward for what seems a lifetime.

Week Three
Things, I've learned this week: we can take a good thing and turn it into an ultimate thing*, there are no shortcuts to sanctification, and when in doubt, just show up! (*Tim Keller's Counterfeit God)

Well, now you have it: a great big run-on explanation from someone who rarely puts down her pen.  

Your turn...

I must be progressing. Oh, I still wiped away a few tears, but I bet a few of you did too if you watched last night's Super Bowl LI. Watching President Bush and Barbara wheeled out on the field for the coin toss, an aging quarterback's eyes glisten with victory, and young, hard-working athletes lined up to kiss their Lombardi Trophy...well, I admit, it made me misty-eyed. 
But this year I didn't cry my eyes out because of my broken heart. Oh sure, I missed watching the game with Rob, but I actually enjoyed it alone this year. Alone is not always lonely...as it has been in the recent past. 
Lady Gaga! I'm not a big fan and could not even name one of her songs, but I know enough about her career to recognize the evolution. I thoroughly enjoyed her half-time performance; she showed the world a newfound maturity with her toned-down image, yet, she hasn't lost an ounce of her creative expression. I believed her when she reminded us, pointing to the heavens,  that we are "one nation under God." The girl's got some moxie, for sure...lots of courage! It got me to thinking; do we need courage to change or does courage come from the change? 
Three years ago, I skipped the Super Bowl all together. Too painful without Rob at my side, but the next two years, I eased back into it as well as the other things that made us happy as a couple. Yes, it took some "moxie" and seemed unlikely to ever bring back joy, but I set my mind on recapturing the good parts of our life, albeit solo.
Last night wasn't a party, but an evening filled with contentment. I loved the patriotism, the spirit of family and my hometown, catching myself smiling a lot!  I munched on delicious homemade nacho dip and chips, occasionally chatted online with family and cheered like crazy for the best comeback in Super Bowl history. 
You know, I think I'm making a comeback as well...

I care deeply about current politics, but I love my country and its people far too much to enter into futile dialogue any longer. I've tried to have thoughtful conversations about policy, listening to the concerns of both sides of our divided country. I've attempted to be the voice of reason, but to no avail. Too many people, even those close to me, refuse to listen to any argument that differs from theirs. And no one, on either side, likes to be "preached at."  Social media is no longer my friend; I don't want to sit on the sidelines and watch good people war with their words or the opinions of talking heads. It grieves me to see God cheapened by our sarcasm and hate talk.  I even find myself dreading family and church gatherings; the tension is just too great!
 I personally believe that most of us just don't have a handle on all of the facts. Each issue is complicated and cannot be solved with a knee-jerk solution or a hard ideology. True wisdom understands this; true wisdom humbles our response.
Have I given up? Will I crawl under the covers for the next four years?  Of course, not! I just will not publicly discuss politics any longer! Instead...

I will offer kindness and prayer.

I suppose to many I sound like Pollyanna, but I'm actually more concerned with God's opinion of me. 

This morning I spent time digesting a passage from Proverbs 16.

 The wise are known for their understanding, and pleasant words are persuasive.

 Discretion is a life-giving fountain to those who possess it, but discipline is wasted on fools. 

 From a wise mind comes wise speech; the words of the wise are persuasive. 

 Kind words are like honey— sweet to the soul and healthy for the body. 

 There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death. 

 It is good for workers to have an appetite; an empty stomach drives them on. 

 Scoundrels create trouble; their words are a destructive blaze. 

 A troublemaker plants seeds of strife; gossip separates the best of friends. 

 Violent people mislead their companions, leading them down a harmful path. 

 With narrowed eyes, people plot evil; with a smirk, they plan their mischief. 

 Gray hair is a crown of glory; it is gained by living a godly life. 

Better to be patient than powerful; better to have self-control than to conquer a city.

 We may throw the dice, but the LORD determines how they fall. 21-33 NLT

Look at how many times our speech is addressed and look at the last verse; the LORD is still in control! I don't believe that scripture discourages our freedom of speech, but instead, reminds us that we should recognize the responsibility that comes with freedom. So...

I will speak kind words.

If they are not life-giving and healthy to the body of humanity, I'll remain silent and... 

Pray

During the last administration, I studied Paul's letters to young Timothy. I was not in the practice of daily praying for our leaders, but the first three verses in 1Timothy 2 completely changed that.

I urge, then, first of all, that petitions, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for all people for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness. This is good, and pleases God our Savior, NIV

It's pretty simple; if it pleases God, just do it! It's pretty hard to hate someone for whom you pray each day. Prayer changes our hearts, even for our enemies. And most importantly, I believe prayer changes even the direst of situations.

I know this isn't articulate or earth-shaking, but something I needed to write down as a contract with myself. Replace politics with kindness and prayer.  That's all, folks...